The Subversive | Volume Thirteen | Melanie Anne Phillips

Another issue of the online magazine I published in the early 1990s

THE SUBVERSIVE

Number 13

“Where Dreams are the stuff Reality is made of”

DECLARATION OF PURPOSE

“This journal exists to promote the concept that each human is a unique individual, intrinsically entitled with an equal right to pursue her own destiny as far as it does not inhibit others in that same right. The Subversive shall serve as a ready forum for the free expression and exchange of ideas that do not violate this mandate, in the belief that tolerance grows from a familiarity with variety.”

–signed,
Melanie Anne Phillips, Editor

WHERE TO GET THE SUBVERSIVE:

The Subversive is available FREE as a download on America Online, Compuserve, Genie, several servers on the Internet, and various BBS around the world.

For those who wish to Subscribe, contribute articles, stories, personal experiences, information, jokes, or whatever Email melaniexx@aol.com, or write to:

Melanie Anne Phillips
150 East Olive Avenue
Suite 203
Burbank, California 91502

Only original material will be accepted unless quoted in the context of an original work or submitted with credit to the original author along with permission to reprint the material.

Submission of original material for publication in The Subversive constitutes a non-exclusive license to Melanie Anne Phillips by the author/copyright holder to reproduce all or part of the material in any media.

EDITOR’S NOTE: It is my desire to make this publication available free online to all who wish to read it. However, due to copyright laws, any overall license would allow unscrupulous individuals to excerpt portions and use it for their own personal gain. Therefore, should you wish to upload this publication on your BBS or simply generate hardcopies for support groups and friends, please write me about a free specific license for your purpose.

EXPLORATIONS

by
Melanie Anne Phillips, Editor

“Cinderella Liberties”

Every transsexual gets caught up in the “Cinderella Syndrome”, picturing a prince on a white steed sweeping her off her feet. Unfortunately, fantasies don’t happen as often as realities, so it is always a thrill when a guy comes onto you, especially the first few times. The problem is, you have the body of a woman and the experience level of a little girl. It doesn’t matter how sophisticated you were in the old role, none of that applies now. So as a new woman you are extremely vulnerable to male attentions.

My first encounter with a pick-up artist was before surgery as I was shopping in the shoe department at K-Mart. I was wholly focused on which heels to wear with my new white dress for my 20th High School Reunion, when an accented voice broke my concentration.
“Too many different styles”, the voice said.

I looked up to meet the eyes of a rather handsome man of middle-eastern decent, his thick mustache curled up in a smile.

“I know”, I replied. “It makes it too hard to choose.” I smiled back.

Now if I had any sense at all, I would have realized that this fellow was not hanging around the women’s shoe department looking for a pair of penny loafers. But, no, innocent me just appreciated the attention.

I was nervous, to be sure, as I was still not confident in my presentation, but he picked up the thread of conversation, and before I knew it, we were talking as we walked through the store.
I headed toward the checkout line with two pairs of shoes, wondering what was going to happen next. While we stood in line, he asked if he could buy me a cup of coffee. I figured, what the heck, and agreed cheerfully (it was GREAT to get this kind of attention! I had never experienced anything like this before.)

As we waited for those ahead of us, he asked how much the shoes were. Being cheap (after all, this WAS K-Mart!) I had purchased inexpensive shoes at $10 a pair, and told him so. He offered to buy them for me. Well…. I may be naive, but I’m not stupid. I respectfully declined, saying I didn’t want to impose, but in fact did not want to be obligated in any way – this guy was moving fast!

Eventually, I got through the checkout line (although not without being thoroughly checked out by this guy) and – as I had truly enjoyed his once over – I asked him where he wanted to get coffee. Actually, I was kind of looking forward to having coffee bought for me. Somehow it made me feel like I had some value. But he had other plans.

“It’s too crowded in a coffee shop to get to know each other”, he began. How about if we just sit in m car for a while and talk?”

Well, even I could see where this was leading, but still I felt flattered by the attention, reasoned I could get out of the car if I needed to, and as long as I did not let him drive me anywhere I would be okay.

“Okay”, I said.

He had a middle-of-the-road car: no great shakes, but quickly explained, “My car is in the shop… this is a loaner.” Then, he riveted those steely black eyes on mine, never looking away from my face, and began to tell me how he had been so attracted to me in the store that he just had to spend some time with me. He told me I was sexy and began to stroke my shoulder. Moving his hand slowly toward my breast, he described how “men are not like women: They first get the physical attraction, then they fall in love.”

Of course, I knew this was all bull, even though I had never tried such a thing as a male. Yet, the attention was so intoxicating, his hand massaging my nipple, so heady. If I had not been male, he would have had me right then and there! But I had been male, and so could call up just enough objectivity not to succumb.

He told me that he wanted to make love to me and that we should go to a motel right then and there. I kept hedging, trying to get as much of this as I could without going any farther. He kissed me and said we should go. Still, I did not give in. He said, “Are you worried about getting pregnant?” I replied, “I don’t think I have to worry about that.”

Finally, I told him I would not go to a motel right then, because I had to think about it with a clear head. He asked for my number; I refused. I said he should give me his number and I would call if I decided to go. That’s when he got really nervous, but seeing that the fish was about to steal the bait and run, he went ahead and gave me his number. But it came with the instructions: “Don’t call except on Tuesday or Wednesday nights, and if a woman answers, say you are a customer at my upholstery business.” Right.

Well, I escaped with my virginity that time, though if I had been post-op at the time, I rather think I wouldn’t have. But did I learn how to stave off male attention? NOT!
Some months later, I was working as editor of a feature film. One of the actors came in to see the dailies. Later, he found a moment with me alone and told me he recognized me from my support group meeting. I had not recognized him, as he was not there very often, and was not transgendered, but a “TS Shark” – one of those guys who has a special place in his for people in or after transition.

He wanted to have lunch, and I thought, “Okay, it’ll be fun to have a guy buy me lunch.” That went fine, and he was very gentlemanly. However, each time he came in after that, he got more and more “friendly”, eventually telling me he wanted to start a relationship with me.

I was (and am) still married, but at the time, did not want to jeopardize my marriage, so I thanked him for the flattering offer, but declined. Several days later, we were recording sound at Universal Studios, and he came in to loop his lines. He sat next to me and kept putting his hand on my knee. That evening, the director, the producer, a friend of theirs and myself went to dinner near the studio. The fellow in question approached the director and invited himself along.

I realized he just wanted to close in on me and so I found a moment to tell the director what the problem was and that I would appreciate it if after dinner he would keep the guy busy while I went to my car. He agreed.

Sure enough, after dinner, I left in a hurry, and he was going to follow, but the director snared him. That didn’t work for long, however, as I had not quite gotten to my car when he caught up to me anyway. It was in a dark alley behind the restaurant, and there were no other people in sight.

We started talking and he made a number of suggestions about how we might be involved. After several minutes he began to come on to me very strongly. He gripped my derriere tightly and pulled me to him. He tried to put his tongue in my mouth.

Now, I know what you are thinking: why didn’t I just tell him to bug off? Well, part of the whole thing was my fault. The ol’ Cinderella Syndrome kicked in and made me feel special that he was interested. I didn’t want it to go any farther than talk, but I didn’t want it to stop completely either. I liked where it was. Problem is: guys just can’t leave it at that. I now know that they just keep charging ahead until they get resistance and even then they keep trying until they are sure the resistance can’t be broken down.

Well, I was standing there clamping my lips together but even still, his slimy little tongue kept weaseling in and lapping up against mine. Why didn’t I just push him away? For the same reason women everywhere are afraid to fight back: they are afraid if they resist they will get beaten up. Suddenly I understood the nature of female fear. Here I was in a dark alley, alone with a determined horny admirer whom I was sure was a lot stronger than I was. I just held out and didn’t respond until some people finally came by and I had the opportunity to break away and tell him I had to run.

I shakily opened my car door, got inside, and was just about to close the door when he stepped in front of it, blocking it open. He told me he wanted me to know how much he was excited by me, took my hand and placed it against the bulge in his pants. I replied, yes, I could see he was interested. I can still feel him running his fingers across my lips when another group of people came by. I used the opportunity to close the door, waved good-bye and took off into the night.
Now, I’m sure he remembers it a different way. I’m sure he was convinced I wanted him as much as he wanted me. But that is because men and women don’t evaluate things the same way. This kind of miscommunication is just what we have to learn to avoid as new women.

As a final example, there are two 7-11 stores equidistant from my home. One to the East, the other to the West. When I go to work in the morning, the West one is right on the way. I like to stop there for coffee on my way in from time to time. At least I used to until the counter guy got the hots for me.

The first time I met him, he riveted his eyes on me and started a conversation. The next couple of times he would always hold my hand when giving me my change. Finally, I went in and while getting my coffee was startled to feel an arm go around my waist. I looked up to see him smiling and asking me how my day was. I just rolled with the situation and said it was just fine, thanks and then paid and left. I could feel his eyes on me all the way to the car.

All the way to work I hated the way he had taken liberties and loved the way he found me attractive. Nonetheless, I determined not to go back for awhile so things would cool down. A couple weeks later, I went back and didn’t even get to the coffee before his arm was around me. This time I was really beginning to feel harassed.

Still, the fantasy of having some guy so turned on by you that he makes those kinds of advances was narcotic. But I kept from swooning with it, paid my bill and left. I vowed never to return again.
Several weeks passed and I had occasion to stop home for lunch. Afterward I decided to buy a candy bar at the other 7-11 which I had gone to exclusively since the last incident. This time, however, I was running late and knew I had to stop at the trouble spot or go without a candy bar.
Suddenly I got enraged. How DARE he make me feel ill at ease in going into the most convenient store. How DARE he encroach upon my freedom like that!!! So, I girded what loins I have left and pulled into the parking lot. I looked through the window and was relieved to see that there was someone new at the counter: maybe he quit!

I went inside, feeling comfortable there for the first time in months, and looked over the candy bars. No sooner had I picked one, but the guy at the counter yells to someone I couldn’t see, “Okay then, I’ll see you later!” He walks out of the store and MY guy takes his place!!! I couldn’t believe the luck!

Of course he saw me immediately, riveted in on his prey and kept me in his sights as I came to the counter. My skin crawled in anticipation of what might come next. But he surprised me. He just made pleasant conversation! Things are looking up, I thought. He’s gotten the message! After he gave me my change, he even offered me his hand to shake. Well, I thought, he’s a gentleman after all!

I reached out and took his hand… and he grabbed mine and pulled me across the counter and into a kiss! And then another one! Right there in the damned 7-11!!!

He released his grip, I smiled and left and haven’t been back since.

Now, why did these things happen to me? Because I didn’t understand men, that’s why! Men are more aggressive than women. To them, the only time to quit is when they are convinced they can’t make any progress at all. But I don’t like to offend. And by nature am flattered by attention. As a transsexual, the whole concept of being desirable is better than sex – maybe even preferable to sex!

The combination of the two different points of view led to me being “violated” by these three men in ways I preferred not to be. But even as I was being kissed between the Lotto tickets and the $1.99 roses, I had the strongest surge of sexual desire I’ve ever experienced without foreplay! Even while I was being violated, I was being turned on!

What does all this mean? That when fantasy and reality collide, its easy to be of two minds. I know I am. And until I make up my mind, this sort of thing is likely to happen again.

Cinderella Liberties aren’t just taken by the man, but are also given by the woman. We are both participants in the act. Until you can sort out how you really feel and learn how to communicate if your shiny new baubles are for touching or just for looking its a good idea to err on the side of caution. It’s the best way to make sure you live happily ever after.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Subj: TV/TS
From: BillB18853
To: Melanie XX

I have read your letters and articles in Subversive. I am not TV/TS, but have a couple of friends who are. I have never understood why they felt as they did until now. My hat is off to you for putting into words what my friends have not been able to do. While I may not choose to live as they do, I now respect their feelings and have a different perspective on their lives. Thank you for helping me understand a different circumstance that I personally could not place myself in a position to see or understand. It is a shame that TV/TS is so misunderstood in the American public. I have no qualms about being in public with these friends and am personally amused when they are approached by other men. Do I feel embarrassed? Not really. It is really a unique feeling when you are accompanied by a couple of damn good looking women (and they ARE good looking).

Thanks again

Bill

Subj: TV_OR_TS
From: Geri VH
To: Melanie XX

Just A note to say I really enjoyed reading your article ((TV or TS – How to tell)). I have struggled long and hard , and find solace in your writing. Because of cultural influences I am having a hard time with self acceptance as I travel toward surgery. Knowing there are others who are happy such as yourself gives me a little more confidence.

Thank You,
Geri VH.

Reply to Geri VH

Thanks for the kind note, Geri. I’ve enjoyed discovering that sharing my thoughts brings some joy to others. It’s always fulfilling to hear from someone who tuned in to what was being said and found common meaning. Society is so cut and dried that it leaves no room for those who wish no definitions or do not fall into existing categories. Unfortunately, most of humanity would be found to be outside society’s categories if they were not afraid to speak up. So, the myths are perpetuated and we all suffer under them. Yet, there is the hope that if a few brave people speak up, their voices will blend together and become big enough to be heard and listened to.

Keep that positive attitude. We cannot control the unexpected turns our life will take, but we can start each day choosing for ourselves the direction we will go from here.

Take care and keep in touch,
Melanie Anne

From: DawnSEL
To: Marsha J
CC: Melanie XX

Marsha, with thanks for your great and gracious efforts, I think it’s best to drop me from the ASCII logs mailing. Though I’m active online, I don’t feel comfortable in the Gender chats, and do not download your logs.

I’m very comfortable as a TV/CD, and have been so for many years.

My concerns with the gender chat are two-fold:

I do not accept Melanie’s view that I must declare myself to be TS before I can feel, be considered, or enjoy being feminine. While it would be quite easy to make that declaration in order to be accepted, neither vagina nor penis are that critical to me.
I cannot accept or in any way support the AOL mandatory characterization of what we loosely call the ‘gender community’ as Gay/Lesbian/Homosexual. Whatever my own sexual orientation may be, I cannot and will not allow AOL to rule that I MUST be G/L/H if I am TV/CD. I commented long ago, and repeat now, that the urgency of our crusade for a forum had us put expediency before principle. [Please note that I said AOL, not GLCF.]

I will, as I have always done, encourage others to stop in for your Sunday night chats so that they may have the privilege of choosing for themselves.

Two thoughts in closing … Please do not read anything into this note beyond what I have openly said and very carefully phrased. … Also please feel free to share the note – or its thoughts – with others if you wish.

Dawn
“male by chance, feminine by choice”

Reply to: DawnSel
From: MelanieXX

Hi Dawn! Sorry you feel as you do. However, you have misquoted me completely. I don’t think one has to be a woman to be feminine. Some of the most feminine people I know are men. Feminine and Masculine have NOTHING to do with sex but alot to do with gender. Gender is grown into and not dictated by any accident of birth. I don’t know how you could have so misunderstood me. In fact, my entire crusade has been to separate the sexual issues from the gender issues. Gender has nothing to do with sexual preference. It has nothing to do with anatomical sex. Anyone has a right to be, and should be encouraged to be, whatever gender they want.

I concentrate mostly on TS issues, because I am TS. I cannot speak for TVs or CDs because I have not experienced what they have. That is why the forum has always been open to everyone and why I have sought to never impose any of my personal views on anyone else.

If you were to read The Subversive, which I have published for over a year, you would find many articles written for and about the TV/CD community. And, if you had been reading the logs, rather than choosing NOT TO KNOW, you would see that most of the chat revolves around gender issues in general and then splits about 50/50 between TV and TS issues.

Its truly a shame that your preconceptions about what I mean and what the Gender Forum is all about have prevented you from actually finding out. As for the Gay/Lesbian community, some of my best friends are gay. Some of my best friends are TV. ALL of my best friends are human beings. I do not feel that I have to fear the embarrassment of associating with “their kind”, as you seem to worry about.

Finally, AOL never offered us anyplace to be. In fact, the only way we have been able to get an authorized place to meet that is not just a public or private room is because the GLCF OFFERED the room to us, without even being asked. They offered the hand of friendship, not to say we are gay – they KNOW we are not! – but to help another minority that is oppressed by traditional societal roles. I, for one, welcome the opportunity to join with others against the common oppressor, for in unity there is strength.

In any event, it is a shame to lose the keen mind and clever conversation that you possess to misconceptions and biases. I hope some day you open up a bit to include more people into your group than those exactly like yourself.

Sorry for the intensity of emotion on my part, but you have been sniping at my heels for two years now, only because my efforts did not completely cater to your needs. Still, I care for you and for all who can drop their attitudes of division, and look forward with hope to the day you may choose to join us again in a common effort so we can all reap the benefits of companionship.

Melanie Anne

Subj: Mel’s response to the Logs.
From: Stephanie2
To: Melanie XX

Thanks Mel, you voice my opinions exactly. I can understand the over whelming feeling of “TS” part of the Gender Forum, but I have never felt shut out by you or anyone else for that matter. It is exactly the opposite, the warmth, love, and closeness of the Community is exactly what draws me to the Forum on a weekly basis.

Thanks – Steph

AolMail
Subj: Fairness
To: Stephanie2, Marsha J

The main point is, we must always be on guard against becoming so sure that we are fair that we stop checking to find out. It doesn’t matter how noble your heart is, fairness can never be determined from only one side of a communication. All parties to an interaction need to be polled. Still, unfairness does not exist just because someone calls “foul”. If any individual or group feels put upon, it is their duty to stand up for themselves and say so. But they should not just decry a nebulous injustice, but point out specific instances or examples of attitudes that are not fair. What would be even better are suggestions for improvement that can be acted upon to correct the inequity.

The logs hold a record of all the give and take of the Gender Conference. If one has a feeling of unfairness, one should cull the logs and point it out, rather than closing one’s eyes.

I think it is important that each of us, as individuals take an active interest in the direction of the social groups of which we are a part. In truth, as misdirected as I believe DawnSel’s comments to be, I find them much more valuable to maintaining a fair forum than the lack of input by those who remain silent.

To quote myself from The Subversive,

“Speak up and be heard,
or shut up and be herd.”

map

Subj: AOL
From: DenisePete
To: Melanie XX

Hi Melanie, I recently signed on AOL (again) mainly because Marsha J. is here and its the only way I can get her to talk..(In person shes real quiet)..(Grin)

Any way I am currently writing an article for my VP’s column of the Chicago Gender Society newsletter which will focus on BBS’s for TS/TV’s

My observations, at this time, have led me to believe that AOL is sadly lacking in the area of TV/TS support. I Do not feel that being stuck in an unlisted area of the GLCF is exactly promoting our cause. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against G & L but I believe AOL should have something more directed in our direction….

At CI$ there are the Human Sexuality Sections which have general areas and closed areas. I can find no such area on AOL, perhaps I have over looked it?

CI$ just got over some flack regarding its required labels for TS/TV/TG people….They required us to label ourselves, a requirement not required of any other member of CI$. The main thing was that we were using female names but were male. However they even required Post OP TS’s to use the suffix TS or TG, until it was made quite clear that Postops are female (or male as the case may be) and they then offered to remove the suffix upon receipt of a Doctors letter….
any way, enough already… you probably know all this already.

I will probably be leaving AOL since at this time the 2400 baud limit is very restricting for d/l’s and until such time as AOL Recognizes our community I can see no reason to be here. There is no TV/TS message base available and I think this would be a good place to start.
Sorry for bending your ear, hope to hear from you..
Denise Peters

Subj: Gender on AOL
To: DenisePete

Hi Denise! Thanks for your well-considered comments. You are painfully right about AOL’s lack of support of the TV/TS/TG community. However, you are also just as right about the lack of support for blacks, women, and minorities of all sorts. Its not so much that minorities are discriminated against, I think, but that AOL is still suffering growing pains and trying to provide services to the majority of its users first, and fill in the rest when they can. As a result, “special interest” users have found various niches in established areas, used that as a base to grow, and when they are a large enough force online have lobbied AOL for a home of their own with good results. One of the best examples of this is the Gay/Lesbian Community Forum, which boasts 2600 members! I began the America Online Gender Group just over two years ago in a public room called Gender. We began with three members. Now we have 264. Over a year ago, the GLCF, seeing our efforts and also recognizing a growing force that could join with them in lobbying AOL, offered the use of their official conference room to our Gender Group. With these facilities, we were able to gather up to 48 individuals at a time in full interactive communications – much better than the 24 member limit in the earlier room. The logs of our meetings are emailed each week to all 264 members by our secretary, Marsha J. Also, I began an online gender newsletter about a year ago called The Subversive which is now distributed on Feminet, Compuserve, Fidonet, The Corner, RGA, and three different gender servers on Internet. Most recently, we lobbied AOL and received a Gender Issues folder in the GLCF Resource Library. We have scores of files listing support groups, medical information, personal stories, etc. This folder is one of the most popular in the GLCF and is growing every week with new uploads. Crossdressers also have a special folder in the heart to heart section of the GLCF. Now, I admit there are many more services that need to be offered to our users. And certainly there must come a time to have a forum of our own. So, with our history of growth on AOL as a community, it seems the best way to accomplish this is to keep adding services for our increasing membership until we, too, are a force big enough to be recognized. Its a frustrating job at times, but the rewards are the letters I receive from mainstream people with gender problems who make their first contact with others like them here on a family oriented board. And perhaps that is both the strength and weakness of AOL at this time. More than Compuserve, AOL seems to appeal to middle America. As a result, it seems much more accessible to the novice user. Those who have suffered for years kind of stumble across us by going to the GLCF to see what resources might be available. However, because it is a family board, we have a lot of resistance to “coming out” of our section. Nonetheless, we continue to grow each month at a rate of 15 to 20 new members. I’d like to urge everyone in the gender community to spend at least some of their online time here, thereby contributing to our political clout and ultimately to a forum of our own.

Thanks again for your thoughts, and I hope to see you around. 🙂

Melanie Anne

Subj: : )
From: CDee
To: Melanie XX

Melanie,

Thank you for suggesting that people keep a journal/diary. I have started to. Not only does it give one something to look back on, but it also gives you a chance to work out some of your own problems on paper.

Also, I have sent for your voice tape today, so you’ve gained another customer…as everybody keeps raving.

Take Care,
Gwendolyn Ann Smith

Subj: Re: : )
To: CDee

Hi, Gwen! That’s the fun part about diaries: later when you read them, you can’t imagine you ever thought like that. In my diary in The Subversive, each month I transcribe material I recorded three years ago. I listen to myself and the points of view I had and whistle to myself in amazement. We change all the time, but never see it unless we leave place markers and take notes.

Love,
Melanie Anne

And now for the next installment in the serialization of the book:

RAISED BY WOLVES:
A TRANSSEXUAL DIARY

Melanie Anne Phillips

PRELUDE

The pages beneath, chronicle my 30 month journey from a life as an apparently normal husband and father to that of an apparently normal woman. In the hope of capturing the immediacy of this emotional trip into the unknown, I shunned the retrospective approach, opting instead for a daily Diary.

Each entry was made on the day the events actually happened, expect as noted. And each is filled with the raw and unpolished thoughts and feelings that held me at that moment.

Of course, this leads to a somewhat meandering story, as well as contradictions in my point-of-view and personal emotional outbursts that I’m sure will make me squirm once this is published. But anything less would be less than truthful. And if this document is to serve any purpose as either a tool for tolerance and understanding or as an inspiration to those contemplating any major life-change, then it must be completely honest.

NOTE: Starting with September, 1990, my schedule became so tight while I was editing the feature film, Social Suicide, that I could no longer take the time to make my diary entries directly onto the computer. The only way not to lose the emotion of the moment was to record my thoughts onto a microcassette recorder. Obviously the results are not as polished, nonetheless, I include them here as they are the only record of this portion of my transition.

October 2, 1990

I’m standing in the ladies room in the Equitable Building at Hollywood and Vine where the worst thing just happened. Dorit, the intern I work with on the film, walked in on me when I had my make-up half on and half off. We both pretended nothing was unusual… bad scene….

Today, Dorit was civil enough, but there was a strange tension between us. I was acting strangely because she was acting strangely. But maybe she was acting strangely because I was acting strangely. I don’t know which one of us was freaking the other out more. She didn’t say anything about the incident, but later in the day Victoria (the producer) said, “I hear Dorit walked in on you when you were doing your makeup in the ladies room. Did she say anything to you about it?” I said no, and that was the end of the conversation.

Dorit will be at the DGA (Director’s Guild of America) screening tomorrow. So, in my “debut” in the film industry as an editor in front of people who can make or break your career, I now have Dorit to wonder about.

Yesterday, my face was all bumpy and lumpy from plucking out my beard the night before. I had only three hours sleep. I was three days off hormones. I was right in the middle of some serious PMS. My daughter’s hamster had died two nights before. She called me up and asked me to comfort her, which I did in Dave mode because when Daddy is needed, Daddy will be there. Anyway, when I got home late that night I had to stay up until 4:30 in the morning to get the plucking all done. I sat there thinking about the hamster and my mother and my grandmother and my grandfather – all dead. And then I thought about Mary and the kids and dying… and by the the time I woke up in the morning with only three hours sleep I was in pretty bad shape.

We had a little funeral for the hamster. We all went out at 7:30 in the morning and buried it in a Kleenex box in the front yard. I dug the hole on my hands and knees in the wet grass and laid the poor little furry creature down to rest. Keith had made a plaque to be put with it, and Mindi set up four birthday candles that we lit in remembrance. One of the candles lit the plaque on fire and Keith had to wave it all around to get the flames out. So, Gene was gone and we promised to get a new hamster later in the day.

That day, yesterday, was a long day. We worked until three in the morning. It was the latest night I spent working with Larry (the director) so far. I was willing to put in the time though, because we are struggling to get ready for the DGA screening of the movie. We don’t have all the sound effects we need for this rough screening, so we have to create them live to a playback of the video tape. So here’s Larry and Victoria and me on the floor of the office at three in the morning with pots and pans, yelling and shouting, rattling plates and sloshing water to make it sound like a bull is crashing through a ballroom and people are getting squirted with guacamole. It’s certainly an image I’m unlikely to forget.

Today is THE day at the DGA. After only three hours sleep again I’m back at the office getting ready for the big screening.

Its about one in the morning. We had our screening at the Director’s Guild. It was most exciting. The building is beautiful – cylindrical, with lot’s of glass, lot’s of light: very prestigious. The Sony screening room there seats 43, and we were able to project a video of our workprint on the big screen. It was quite wonderful to see the picture that large, even with the poor quality of the worktape.

The picture was fairly well received, but it still needs a lot of work. Still and all, it was a lot of fun to watch people watch the movie and see them react to things I had done editorially.

I felt pretty comfortable. I don’t know if I was being read or not. I really couldn’t tell. So, I just proceeded as if no one suspected and enjoyed my moment in the spotlight.

October 3, 1990

It’s the morning after our DGA screening. I know we’ve crossed the hump on Larry’s project now. We still have changes to make and then we have to lock the picture and conform the negative. After that, my obligation to the picture drops significantly. I’ll mostly be supervising sound effects and perhaps working on trailers with Larry, but all at much more normal hours. I’ll be glad when I have a little more time because I have to begin working on the psychology book with Chris (my writing partner) and start work on the film treatment for Sid (a producer I occasionally wrote for) because both of those guys are hot and heavy to go with those projects, which could have great future potential. But due to Larry’s project, there’s just been no time at all.

I might direct again some day, but I don’t think I’ll ever edit again. You spend all your time making someone else’s work look good. Even though you might get praised in the editing community, its still not my idea of a good time.

I’m just driving back from Fotokem where we viewed a workprint of some opticals we are having done. That was a most enjoyable experience because I was definitely getting some looks – not stares of “what is it?!”, but looks from the guys. They were really paying some attention. Considering I’m almost 38, that was pretty gratifying.

It was interesting going to get coffee there. I went to the lounge, but didn’t know where the coffee was and asked about it, and the guy was real solicitous. It was just great! Later, Larry and I had lunch at some tables they have outside. Another guy sat down at our table and paid some good attention to me, and boy, I tell ya, I really enjoy all the male attention.

When its working, its better than anything else in the world, but when it doesn’t work its worse.

October 4, 1990

I woke up this morning feeling very much unwanting to be Melanie today. But the time I had showered and gotten dressed, it vanished. This is my first day off in 10 days. I put in 150 hours in the last 10 days on Larry’s film. At one point there I got 7 hours sleep in 66 hours. Its been very, very difficult, but it was a commitment.

However, today, on my day off, I can think of nothing I’d rather do than clean house. It’s now about 4 in the afternoon. Earlier today, I found a use for the last two pairs of boy pants I have. There was a pool table in the back room where Mary and I have one bed and Keith sleeps in another. The house is so messed up because I’ve been away working for so long that the pool table just takes up too much room. So, I asked my dad to help me move it out to the garage. But since I don’t have the muscles I used to, I needed to get more resourceful – and that’s where the boy pants came in. I layed them on the ground and skidded the table across them to the garage.

With that out of the way, the bedroom, which has traditionally been knee-deep in junk, is spacious. I’m getting it all cleaned up as a surprise for Mary tonight.

I told Mary on the phone that I didn’t want to stop being Melanie tonight. But rather than make a little room for myself in the double garage, I think I may just stay out here in the back room. Hopefully, Mary will either get lonely enough for me or just tired of coming all the way to the back room to talk to me that she will invite me into the living room again, but this time as Melanie. She’s due home in about 90 minutes.

When Keith comes home from school each day, I always try to have a surprise snack waiting for him if I’m home. Today I had a pizza waiting. I had decided to stay in Melanie mode, even after he came home. I do that from time to time with Mindi in the morning, but not alot because I still speak as Daddy until its time for her to go to school, and then as I step out the door to take her I switch over to Melanie Mode. With Keith, I decided it was time to see if he could get along with it. So, when he came home, I just stayed as Melanie. And he didn’t have a problem with it. It was wonderful. He still calls me “dad”, which is fine by me because I want to be his dad, but I want to be his dad as a woman.

He just enjoyed the fact that his room had been cleaned up. He enjoyed the snack I made. I helped him with his homework. Later, Charlie, a friend of Keith’s came to the door and I stepped out of the room. Keith told him that he had to finish his homework before he could play. Any minute now, his friend is going to come back… as a matter of fact, he just came to the door right now as I am speaking.

I have told Keith that if he tells Charlie who will be going to Keith’s school next year, at that time everybody at his school will find out about me. I told him there is also a possibility that once Charlie goes home and tells his parents, they may not want him to play with Keith anymore. Even though I told him that it may cost him his friend, Keith has decided to invite Charlie in with me as Melanie.

So here he is…. I won’t make a point of confronting him, but I’ll be around.

Here we go… Charlie’s in the house now, and I’m coming out as Melanie….

Okay, the first time Charlie saw me, Keith introduced me as Dad. Charlie looked like he thought Keith had just has a slip of the tongue. But the next time Keith called me Dad, Charlie said, “Dad?” I confirmed it saying, “That’s right, I’m Keith’s dad”. I explained briefly about what sex change was and why I was doing it. I told him if his parents had any questions about this, I’d be happy to talk to them. Keith was totally nonchalant about it. He was completely unconcerned.

Still, my big concern now it how will it effect the kids? What’s going to happen to them? No matter how much I explain myself, I know there are those out there who will ridicule my children or tell their children not to play with mine, just because of what I am doing personally. I can’t understand that mentality, but no matter…. I guess the cat is out of the bag now.

An additional note. Keith and Charlie were out playing basketball and Keith asked me if I wanted to join them. I thought, “When was the last time my son asked me to play with him and his friend while I was dressed as Melanie?” So, we had a few good games of Horse, and I had a wonderful time playing ball with my son. This was perhaps one of the finest days I’ve ever had.

Later, when Mary came home, I just told her, “I’m spending the evening as Melanie.” And she said, “I don’t want you to do it out here.” So I said, “fine”, and went back to the newly cleaned back bedroom and enjoyed myself immeasurably. Mostly because the kids came back to visit me and we played Monopoly and had some popcorn and had a wonderful time.

About 10 pm after the kids had gone to bed, I realized I had charged myself up enough that I threw on a T-shirt and came out and visited Mary in the living room. I assumed the role of Dave again for a couple of hours. It wasn’t too uncomfortable. But its beginning to seem that at this point in my life, playing the role of Dave is something I’m only comfortable doing for a couple hours at a time.

I was worried about Mary and me splitting up. All through this commentary it has been my greatest fear. Yet, after all the risks of losing my family, my friends, and my career, I’ve come to realize that I will never go back no matter what the cost. Still, even though Mary cried earlier because I preferred to be alone as Melanie instead of being with her as Dave, when I did come out and do my Dave act, she was so pleased that she gave me a big hug and a big kiss. We shared a very pleasant evening.

I need her. I need her support. I need her love. Yet, I know now that I have the courage (or perhaps the insensitivity) to walk away from her if I need to to be me. However, perhaps that attitude is justified, for if I were to give up being Melanie and go back to being Dave, I know I would be so miserable and so tense that I would be no kind of parent and certainly no kind of a husband.

October 5, 1990

This evening, I went to get a smog check on my car. When I arrived it was almost closing time. I was wearing a tank top braless. I KNEW that was the right thing to wear to get a smog check! They said they were about to close, but I asked if they could do one more. The guy gave me the once over, then said he’d talk to his supervisor. His supervised looked me up and down, smiled and said, “Sure, bring it in.” An interesting experience having my boobs determine if I am served or not.

During the service, I happened to be in front of a drawer they needed to get a tool from. Suddenly I feel an arm around me, and I turn to the guy who says, “Excuse me, honey…” and moves me over to the side. Slowly, a few guys start drifting in from around in front until there are four guys standing around watching me get my car smogged!

When they ran the results, it didn’t pass. So, they did a little something back by the muffler to rig the results so that it did pass. And all because I wore the right blouse yesterday!

October 6, 1990

I remember a picture in a Sears catalog from about four years ago of a woman in her mid-thirities, long hair, wearing a cable knit sweater and a pair of blue jeans, sitting on the beach. I remember thinking that would be the perfect image of who I am. Today, at this moment, as I stand in the office waiting for Larry to arrive, I look in the mirror and I am that woman.

October 9, 1990

I just dropped Mary off at work today, about a block from her office. This was the first time we have gone anywhere together with me fully as Melanie. Her car needed some repairs today and I had already dressed, so I followed her over to Pep Boys, then drove her to work. I used Melanie voice the whole way there.

When I dropped her off, she put her fingers to my cheek as she said goodbye.

October 13, 1990

I had an idea for a statement against child abuse… You create a doll designed to be beaten. You can slap it, kick it, burn it, but when you are finished, it always says, “I love you.” This could be a public service television commercial, except I fear some people would just think it was funny.

Okay, here I am outside of K-mart. I look like shit today. I put my make-up on and off about a hundred times before I got it right, but that just dried it out so much it looks all wrinkled and unnatural. I don’t think I’m passable at all. I’ve been avoiding going anywhere alone as Melanie, but its time for me to make my stand and get into the real world one way or another. I’m either going to do it, or I’m going to hide for the rest of my life. So here I go.

I’m back here in the parking lot about half an hour later. It wasn’t half bad! Even though my make-up looked awful, that wasn’t really a problem. From a distance it looked okay, and up close most people won’t look you in the face because their afraid of eye contact. Instead, they just size you up by peripheral vision, and by that standard, I’m fine.

A couple of the shoppers in the women’s clothing section looked at me a little oddly from the corner of their eye, but they didn’t do or say anything. They just maybe moved a little bit out of the way, but most of them didn’t even notice. I went up to the counter and was read as at least being a little unusual by the checkout clerk, but again, no problem. Having developed a feminine voice really helps alot, as it confuses the issue.

So, the trip was a success. I bought some new clothes, bought some sandwiches for my lunch and know now that I can go out and move in society. The more I can do to improve my look, the easier it will be, but I know I have the fortitude even when I’m looking pretty shitty, to go out and present myself as a female. At this point in my transition, I’m more comfortable presenting myself as a woman and being read that trying to present myself as a man.

I’m making this entry from the ladies room in the Equitable Building, just across the hall from the office where I work. Roberta from Universal Studios is coming over to view the worktape and discuss creation of the sound effects. I’ve spoken with her on the phone a few times, but we’ve never met in person. This should be interesting since, as I said, I look awful today – all covered in lumpy bumpies.

It’s now about 2:40 in the morning. I’m still at the office. We had a great meeting with Roberta. We spent about six or seven hours looking over the film and came up with a number of creative ideas to enhance its comedic value using sound effects. Roberta and I got along well. Again, I don’t know if she read me or not. Maybe she didn’t or maybe I was close enough to the role that it didn’t matter that much. I’ll have to ask her someday. But I’ll tell you… at 20 minutes to three in the morning, whether or not someone read me as female has very little import.

Roberta said that the worktape we had was too degraded to use for the sound effects editing. The reason is that when you edit on tape, you simply make a copy from the original using only the parts you want. But when you need to make changes, rather than go back and redo everything, you just copy all the good edit parts and only go back to the original for changes. As a result, some parts of the worktape end up six or seven generations away from the original. They are muddy and unclear, and don’t hold sync.

The solution is to take the numbers that the computer stored with every edit, clean up the math so they represent the final version and then create a fresh copy direct from the originals, but with all the final edits. In our film we have over 3,000 edits! Which means that suddenly there is a whole lot of extra work to be done, and guess who Larry wants to do it!

Now, I’ve been working seven days a week, 12 hours a day, and he wants me to continue. Problem is, my contract for the film was for only $10,000 to edit AND work on the sound effects. This extra work was never part of that deal. What’s worse it, when I signed the contract I expected 40 hour weeks, and now its up to 84!! But even worse than that, the way the money was doled out started at $500 a week, but then as the project dragged on, Larry cut it back to $500 every TWO weeks, so I would still have incentive to continue. So here I am working 84 hours a week for $250 dollars!!! That’s less than minimum wage! I’m trapped here is something akin to slave labor in order to meet my obligations.

I’m getting so tired that the numbers on the screen are blurring out in front of me. I just want to get out of this project. God, I don’t know how I got into this situation. I suppose if I were single, it wouldn’t be so bad. And if I weren’t going through transition I could just sleep on the floor and let the old beard grow. But when I have to go in and out of this place at late hours all by myself down Hollywood Boulevard, it makes me very nervous. And if I sleep here, by the time I go out when people are arriving for work, I end up looking like a push-me/pull-you with beard stubble all over my face. The worst part is that people who only see me as Melanie suddenly realize Melanie has a beard.

It’s a little bit difficult right now. And yet I feel light hearted. Why? Because it can’t get any worse!

October 16, 1990

God, I hate it when the batteries run down on my microcassette recorder… it makes me sound like a man.

All my friends have been treating me with kid gloves. This they do because they liked Dave. I never realized how MUCH they liked Dave until I stopped being Dave. They cared enough for him that they want to be supportive of him, even when something is not working. So they don’t give me a real world picture as feedback. They tell me that I look good all the time. Or they don’t say anything when I know I’m wearing something stupid or mannish. But I have no way of finding out. They want to be so gentle that they don’t tell me the truth.

In the early days, I wanted it that way. I didn’t want anybody to be telling me how terrible I looked. I already KNEW I looked terrible! I knew there was a long way to go, and this was a way of bolstering myself psychologically. They could read that. But the situation has changed over the course of my transition to the point that I would really value accurate comments. They don’t want to say anything negative, but its the negative that I can work on and turn it into something positive.

I just found out that the lady who did the make-up on our Palm Springs shoot read me as a transsexual. However, the reason she did was that one day her husband had come to her one day and said, “I’m going to leave you to become a woman.” He divorced her and went off and became female. During the shoot, she had been very friendly to me. I am amazed, knowing what she went through that she would be kind.

In fact, this lady had volunteered to Victoria (the producer) that if I ever wanted my hair done, shoe would do it. As it turns out, this same make-up lady will be working on a side project I am doing for Larry where I will be director of photography. Victoria is going to get her hair cut during the production and said she would arrange it so that I could get mine cut as well. So, I’m not to touch my hair now. It’s been growing for over a year, is down past my shoulders and getting pretty frizzy, but I’m told to wait for a month until production so I can have a haircut from a professional motion picture make-up artist. What a wonderful perk!

October 21, 1990

I’ve been “spotting” music for the last few days with Larry and Roget Belon, the French composer of “Waxworks”, “The Unholy” and a six hour mini-series on Valentino. Roget did not quite know what to make of me. Although he did not remember it, we had actually met at my office about two years ago for about five minutes when he dropped off a video tape of his music for duplication.

Finally, one morning when we were alone, I breached the subject and told him what my situation was. Afterwards, he was fine. I guess he just needed to be sure. The problem is, he calls me “Melanie”, but uses the pronoun “he”. So I’m sitting there with Larry and Victoria calling me “she” and “her” and he’s calling me “he” and “his”. He means no ill intent, but can’t seem to break the habit. Still, he is a lot of fun, and we share a lot of secret smiles regarding some of the artistic considerations of the picture.

I’ve been working now for two weeks straight without a day off. Most days have been at least 12 hours. Last night was a 14 hour day.

October 25, 1990

The best way to get over the fear of discovery is to assume that everybody already knows.

I had been told that women had a thin layer of fat over the body that men did not have. I really didn’t know what that meant until I went on this new dosage of hormones. Before where there used to only be muscle under the skin, now there is this very narrow insulation just below the skin. Instead of feeling hard, now I feel kind of spongy all over.

It definitely takes the edge off the angularlity. When I look in the mirror these days I can actually see that my features have softened.

I tried a little experiment today. I put on the most masculine expression I could muster. I put my voice back into Dave mode. I marched up to the full-length mirror and spoke as if I was talking to somebody. It doesn’t work anymore! It’s not just growing boobs. There’s a lot more to it than that.

October 26, 1990

I have an appointment this morning with the State Board of Equalization regarding back sales tax for my video duplication business. I have spoken with the fellow several times over the last two weeks, but always as Dave, since that is the name on the license. Today, he expects to be meeting with Dave, but Melanie is going to show up.

When I arrived at the state board, I almost slipped into my standard defense mechanism of telling people I’m transsexual right off the bat. This way, I don’t get embarrassed if they figure me out part way through a conversation, and I don’t have to worry about appearing foolish acting like a woman when they read me as a man in drag. If they know I’m transsexual, then they know I’m in transition, but just not there yet. They cut me a little slack because I’m still in training. (I guess that’s why I’m more nervous on the street or in a store than one on one with people: out in the open, if I’m read, there’s no way to explain I’m TS.) When it comes to face to face contact, don’t worry about being read, worry about being sincere. Because TV or TS, if you are sincere, people in general will accept you.

This time, however, I did not use my security blanket. I felt very sure of myself and said, “What the hay,” and just walked in as Melanie. I went up to the receptionist and gave my name and who I was to see. She called him on the phone saying, “Miss Phillips is here to see you,” never seeing me in any other way. I thought, “Hey, today I’m really making it!”

I went in and met the man: spoke with him for fifteen minutes. He never suspected anything. I told him I was there on behalf of Dave, and managed to evade any clear answers as to my relationship to Dave. It was weird speaking of Dave in the third person: “Dave wasn’t able to fill out these forms earlier because he’s involved in editing a major feature film.” It sort of disassociated that old persona from myself, which made it strange to think of Dave and the fellow in front of me as “him” and me not. Eventually, I needed to fill in a form, and he needed to know if I was Dave’s wife. I said no. He asked if I was related to Dave. I said yes. He asked if I was Dave’s sister, and I replied I was not. Finally he demanded to know what relationship I was to Dave, and would not go any farther until I told him. So, I kinda had to spill the beans.

I told him Dave and I were the same person. Well, it took him nearly 30 seconds to figure it out. When things are working right for me, people just can’t conceive of what I’m telling them. Once he found out, he just opened up with all these personal questions. I guess transsexuals are achieving something of a celebrity status: a rare and unusual breed. People are fascinated by why we do what we do. As a result of being topical and few, people ask you all kinds of personal questions they would never ask anyone else under any other circumstances.

So, I answered his questions. But, as I have learned, people don’t want you to tell them what you want them to know, they just want you to answer the questions that are special to them. You’re probably the only transsexual they will ever meet in their lives, so they want to get those questions in there, even if it embarrasses them to heck. They can find out straight from the horse’s mouth what its like to grow a pair of boobs, what its like to walk around in society as a woman when you are still underneath a man. When they find out I’m married, they’re really curious about that. “How can you possibly stay married?” “How can she possibly stay married to you.” “What effect does it have on the kids?” Everybody is curious.

Well, anyway, the fellow told me that normally, when a business falls behind in their sales tax payments like I have a $1200 deposit is required. However, he said with all the personal things I was going through, he would waive that deposit and let me continue as is. I don’t know if this was due to his normal good nature or as some kind of special dispensation due to my transsexualism. I don’t care: I’ll take it.

October 29, 1990

I’m here at the office alone and I’m going to try to run a little test. Lately I’ve been wondering if I could summon up my old persona. Not so much the way I used to feel, but the way I used to act. I’ve been so engrossed in trying to be Melanie, I haven’t paid attention to what’s left of Dave. So, I’m going to take a few steps here and try to walk like Dave used to…. This is amazing! The most amazing thing! I’ve forgotten how to walk like a man! I’ve actually forgotten! This is… I… I’m.. uh, dumbfounded. I don’t know what to say… I don’t know how to walk like a man anymore… My, God! I’ve forgotten!

Let me see… okay, I’m going to stand here. This is the outer office. I’m going to take one step forward… (laugh) I can’t do it! Oh, man! Okay, how did I walk as Dave… How does a man walk? I can’t do it… I can’t do it! (laugh) I keep swinging my hips and I can’t figure out how to walk without doing it. I’m blown away. I thought for a long time I could go back and forth, but that’s not true: you have to give up one to be the other.

A phrase just came to mind that I thought I’d better record so I don’t forget it. It said, “Give up, you’ve won.”

October 30. 1990

It’s about 7:30 in the evening. I’m here alone at the office. I’ve finally regained my composure. We had a major blow-up here today. Because Larry has cut costs so deeply, using the least expensive editing equipment available, the precision of the machines is sometimes one frame off on an edit. However, Larry determined that one frame off was not good enough. Which means that its going to take 2 or 3 times as long to conform each of reels of the picture. During these three weeks of seven day a week, twelve hour days we had agreed that after the conform was done, I could go on a regular 40 hour week. And then he comes up with something that will delay completion of the conform for another two weeks perhaps.

Still, I was thinking I would do that to honor my commitment to the project when the negative cutter called to say we had used the same shot in two different places in the tape. The first one was already cut in, so there was nothing to put in for the second one. Unfortunately, the second one was the important one. As a result we needed to completely recut the second sequence, which could not work the same way without that shot.

Well, Larry was very mad because he wants everything perfect. The first thing he did was call up the negative cutting place and told them to stop cutting until we checked all the numbers. In order to do that, he would get a computer program that would organize the data, but he wanted me to be the person to type all the data in by hand, thousands and thousands of numbers. Already for the conform I’ve had to put in 200,000 keystrokes and this would add another 100,000 to that.

I couldn’t see myself doing all this extra work when I was about ready to fall apart. So I finally put my foot down and told him, “Look Larry, before you call them, I’m not going past this weekend with these hours. I’m taking Saturday AND Sunday off, and starting Monday I’m going on that 40 hour week.”

Well, he got mad and slammed his fist into the door and made a big dent in it. I just sat there and he stormed off. Then Victoria came in and told me I didn’t have enough commitment to the film. I’m only an editor and get no profit participation in the project. I’ve put in all this time and all these late hours. I’ve let this picture take me away from home in the middle of my transition when my relationship is in jeopardy. I haven’t even taken my kids to the park for six months. Keith became too old for bedtime stories while I was tied up working late evenings. I’ve missed all of this in my commitment to their film.

I never signed on for 80 hour weeks. And yet, I am accused of not being dedicated. I was told I was thinking only of myself, that I kept changing my story of how much I would do. I told them I would do whatever it takes, but then that became cart blanche for them to take whatever I could do. So the hours go up, the effort goes up, and then when one thing goes wrong, I get blamed, even though we have all seen that shot in that place every time we run the picture.

So, I had had enough. I couldn’t take anymore and I lost it. I turned around and slammed MY fist into the door, and with three slams broke a hole through the back side. I totally messed up my hand, which is all swollen right now, yet I am continuing on the editing.

After about half an hour, Larry’s friend came in playing good cop. He massaged me on the back and told me I just had to hold out a little longer. No, I told him, I had lost too much.

I cried then for half an hour, but continued to work through the tears, solving the problems as I could. Eventually, Larry came in and tried to make peace. He told me that after 2 1/2 years of working with this project, now it can never be perfect. I don’t understand his attitude. That’s the wrong attitude to have on a film. You should never be so in love with any aspect of a project that you can’t bring yourself to change it in light of practicality. Accept it and move on. No work should be that important. Relationships and people are what’s important. Who cares after you’re dead how long they’re going to remember you.

I just stared at him. I wasn’t going to argue. I simply told him, whatever you think you can try to do to force me to do this, bring it on. Go ahead and try. I don’t care anymore. All I want to do is finish the movie and get back to my family. I told him I would still do a good, honest job. I would still give him the best I had and be a true professional about it. But only under the conditions that I had outlined. I said, “If you want me to continue to work under those conditions, I will. If you don’t want me to come in, say so and I won’t. If you feel you have to do something to me because of this, then go ahead and bring it on.”

So here I am continuing to work on the conform, still trying to do the best job I can for Larry. I don’t know what might happen to, for, or against me. I don’t know what effect this will have on my career. But whatever it is, standing up for myself was worth it.

(The Transsexual Diary series will continue in the next edition of The Subversive)

I urge you all to keep a diary of YOUR personal journey, whether it be through transition or not. The attitudes and even the order of events becomes cloudy through time, and I am continually amazed to re-read things that memory would have me believe had happened differently. If nothing else, it is a good way to see long-term patterns in yourself that you cannot see except in retrospect. That objective view alone is worth the inconvenience of keeping a journal.

FEATURES

From Katherine Collins (KatieRC):

Hi Melanie,

On Sunday I said I wanted to send e-mail to you; and then on reflection I realized that what I was thinking about, and might have to say, is very likely not terribly interesting to you. This is because I have been reading your diary entries, as serialised in “The Subversive”, and I know you have said that it all seems very long ago now, as if a different person wrote them (which I can understand). I also began to think that my responses to what you wrote so long ago would seem to you like a one-sided conversation – a monologue – because you composed your side so long ago that it is hardly something you would still have in your mind.

So I don’t want to bore you with my largely personal ups-and-downs; and yet I have found so much of interest, use and relevance in your diary that I still want to make some response, if only to let you know what impact your writing can have on someone else. And perhaps it may interest you, a bit, to discover some of the things which I have found I have in common with your experience. That has certainly been for me one of the values, and in fact, reassuring factors, of reading your diary – the discoveries of some thoughts and feelings and experiences which we both have had. It makes me a little less prone to think I am off my rocker, to discover that someone else has had the same experiences. This is one area in which one hopes one is NOT unique.

I don’t know what, if any, the struggles are for you now, in continuing to assimilate the meaning and scope of the transsexual experience – I wonder, does the “adventure” of it go on, as years go by after the SRS, or does life start to present totally different realms to explore, and the gender business fades? If “the gender business” continues to be of interest, perhaps a few of my comments will be not totally irrelevant to you.

To remind you of my position: I am relatively early in the transition – just about to start hormones next week, in fact, and yet already living about 75% full time. The reasons for the “75%” aspect of the “living” are two: first, that on the days when I must grow my whiskers for electrolysis, I feel pretty silly trying to look feminine; and second, I live in rough-and-gritty Oakland, although when I go out I mostly go to San Francisco. So around my neighbourhood (grocery store, etc.) I “tone it down” a bit. But even my most “male” look is at best androgynous. So my 25% non-full-time is not much of a cover – it’s mostly a question of whether I wave that extra-red flag of a skirt instead of pants. But in San Francisco, I am totally out, and I will be moving over there in a few months. And to all but a last few people in my life, I am also totally out.

So it is becoming my real life, very rapidly – there is less “back-and-forth” between two outward identities than in your seemingly protracted see-saw between Dave and Melanie. I don’t need to tell you what a liberation it feels to “be Katherine”, after waiting so long for it to be possible. I was ready, internally, a long time before I had my “look” together – I’m sure you have read me, on AOL, bleating about my hair problems. So rather than back-and-forth like you, I have had a different frustration: many months of wanting to start my full-time life, and knowing that until the hair arrived, the best I could present would be “gender fuck” (charming term), which is not what my point is at all.

That wait was very frustrating, but at the same time, I continued to grow internally and have more and deeper revelations about the nature and specific character of the new persona growing within me – Katherine, as opposed to Arn, who I was as a male. I am amazed, in fact, when I realise that in the last 18 months I have come a long way toward understanding and becoming Katherine, and all without RLT or hormones – it has all been spiritual and intuitive. So now that I am entering the real, physical world of the transition, what further, even more dramatic changes will I experience? I doubt if I can even imagine.

All right – what things stick in my mind from your diaries? Actually, as I have been reading through, there have been dozens of things that leapt out at me, but a few are prominent in my memory now. One was something that I read, not too long ago, at just the right moment, when I was having a very hard time. It was the period in your transition when you were first trying to present yourself to the world, and specifically to various work colleagues, and were going in to work mostly as Melanie but still occasionally having to go as Dave. One day you remarked how much you felt like “Dave in drag” – that the inner feeling of Melanie was not there. It made you doubt yourself – you asked “is this all there is?”. You also wondered if it was “the sign” that it was all a mistake. You said: “Maybe it’s the fateful warning sign I have been awaiting for so long that asks, ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ And it asks in a male voice.”

Well, my only point is that I read that just after I first got my “new hair”, and had been expecting to have a huge, instant, inner liberation, and that Katherine would be ready and fully able to take over this body and this life, as soon as “the look” was prepared. But it was not so! And I still (only a few weeks later) have days when I feel very divided, and like an impersonator. But because I know who you are NOW and some of what you feel about yourself, it was encouraging to know that you too went through that phase of grave self-doubt, and had that “male voice” admonishing you for your presumption.

You also noted, at one point, that your male clothes and persona felt like drag! I certainly know what you mean there. I don’t know if I could really pull off the totally male person any more (if I ever did). I’m afraid that I will have a chance to find out some time in the next few months, when I go to Canada to see my Dad. I don’t know what my ultimate decision will be as to how/what to tell, but I know I won’t tell much, if anything, this time out. Should be an interesting and creepy experience to be “Arn” again after being so much of Katherine.

You wrote: “For every day as my body changes, my mind is freed. And there will come a time when both are unified and my dream of walking through the High Sierra in blue jeans and tank top, slender, female, the wind tousling my hair, will be a reality, then a memory instead of a fantasy.” – and it brought to my mind some of the most important, fundamental experiences and realities about my transition. Basically, I have found that the deepest and truest confirmation of my femaleness comes from being in nature, usually alone; and I found it fascinating that your image, of the walk in nature, should be so central a one for you as well. I don’t know if you ever, in fact, had experiences that made that image be so important to you, or whether it was intuition on your part.

About 3-1/2 years ago, when I was living in England, I was just at the point of no longer being able to deny my need to deal with the TS issue. I was starting to explore it internally, and tell a few friends, seek out groups, and so on. I have always been an avid walker, and I went on 2 solo hiking trips, of 2 weeks each, one in the mountains of Portugal, the other in the Scottish highlands (ancestral territory). On both walks, I was alone about 23-1/2 hours a day – just me and nature (or me and sleep). It would take me longer here than you would want to read, to really describe the experience, but essentially, I did not have “society” constantly reflecting back to me that I was male. And the balance that settled within me, in my natural surroundings – and in relation to the essential forces of the universe – confirmed for me more deeply than anything ever has that my own being and essence is female. I felt, as I said in some writing about it, that “all of the female side of the universe was singing to me, calling out to me, and I was at home at last, welcomed and at rest”.

The temptation is great to go trying to describe that experience more fully, but you get the idea. So, if there is no other point here, let me encourage you to take that walk in the High Sierra, and experience the nature spirits reflecting back to you in all their infinity the enormity of the truth of your femininity.

One passage in your diary brought me great pain – not that it is your fault. I am at the moment very lonely. I work alone at home, day after day alone; my dearest friends are thousands of miles away, I have no “relationship”, and I am not only going through this fulfilling but frightening transition, but also I am taking some enormous career gambles (too detailed to explain here), with dwindling finances and no equity or security of any kind. It is a time of great fearfulness, as well as joy and fulfillment – in both work and “life”. And I have no one to really share it with. My most recent relationship, which ended earlier this year, wasted only 9 months, but brought to me, for the first time ever, the real enrichment and confirmation that a relationship between a man and a woman can bring. (With me being the woman, naturally – and, interestingly, the “man” being a FTM transsexual.)

I hope I do not intrude too much in the deeply personal parts of your diary; but the passage I am referring to is when you were first getting together with Alan. Here is what you wrote:

“I woke him, as I had to get home soon and pulled (Alan) to me. I felt so female, so wanted, so sensual. He rolled over on top of me, gently spreading my legs and pushed my knees up in classic missionary position. And then, with all our clothes on, made love to me, his woman.

“My responses were so natural, so uninvented. For the first time in my life, I knew how I should behave, not from the mind, but the heart. I have never enjoyed anything so much as being made love to in that manner, my head cradled in his hands, his strong yet gentle thrusts pushing undeniably against me. Even now, my insides go mushy just thinking about it.

“God, its always been so hard to be male, to try and figure out how I should act, what I should say. Every move second-guessed. But now, as Melanie deep inside, I act by instinct, without consideration or censorship. Moves I’ve never practiced are my true nature. And the future? Day at a time… just a day at a time.+

(End of excerpt)

Here is a portion of what I wrote in my own computer diary after reading that:

“I cannot avoid the searing pain which reading those words bring to me. I remember the feeling that Melanie talks about – the naturalness, the unstudied quality, the confirmation of my femaleness, which comes from letting the deep well-spring of female feeling loose, just standing back, letting it go. I remember because I had it for a brief period in my life, when things were good with Carol. I had never known that such a thing was possible, that such feelings existed. Sex to me had always been a trial, a study, a job – something to be feared and laboured at, a mystery as to why it was supposed to be so great when it patently was not great at all – the little physical pleasure of it in no way made up for the tremendous effort and embarrassment and confusion.

“But then it was easy – all I had to do was let it be. Carol remarked on my female nature, how genuine it was, how it flowed from me. I felt I could uncover my fears and vulnerability, that it was okay, I didn+t have to be strong and knowing and skillful. Melanie also writes about leaning on Alan+s chest and crying, and having him cradle her head and say ‘It’s all right… Let it out, babe…’

“Who will ever call me Babe? Who will ever let me cry? When will it not be an imposition on someone, when will my vulnerability be the other half of someone+s male nature? When can I stop having to be stoical and strong and get myself through every day, by myself? Someone has to be strong around here, and I+m the only one here, and so it+s always me. It is too much to bear forever.

“I have spent all of my life locked in the male cage, and I am out now, and my emotions are very raw and vulnerable. I think I should be allowed to cry. I think I should be allowed to not be strong sometimes. And I am angry. Angry that I still have to be alone, angry that I have had to be male. I am angry that no matter what I do in my life I seem condemned to be alone.”

(End of excerpt)

There is no reason for me to burden you with that particular confession and longing, and so I apologise if it seems gratuitous. But your writing sparked in me the memory of that deep feeling of being sexually female, which, along with the confirmation from the nature spirits, has been the deepest experience of my emerging femaleness. I had almost forgotten it until I read that passage of yours, which suddenly triggered the memory and the emotions. I had unconsciously tucked away that memory, because it brought me too much pain to remember – but I must remember, so as to be open to the experience again. I must let that sexual part of my femaleness be available. Life is too short to let that go on being denied.

As I said, I could go on with reactions to your writing. But that is probably enough for you for now. I hope it has been in some way interesting for you and not just a giant bore, to wade through my largely self-absorbed observations. For some reason, I felt that your generosity in sharing your diary merited this response, so I can only hope it seems to be some kind of reward and not a punishment.

See you on line – and there is a fair chance I will be in L.A. in September, so perhaps I could even see you then.

All the best –
Katherine Collins (KatieRC)

THIS MONTH IN THE PHILLIPS’ FAMILY

Mindi (my 10 year old) brought in a big brush and started brushing my back. She looked at the brush and said, “There’s skin all over it, you lousey lizard!” I left the room, she stayed behind and began to sing, “Ninety-nine brushes of skin on the wall, ninety-nine brushes of skin….” I groaned, “Oh, boy…” She poked her head around the corner and said, “Well, it’s YOUR fault… YOU “gened” me!”

My fourteen year old son was checking his face in the mirror, looking for signs of beard. My L.P., Mary was walking by (L.P. stands for Life Partner, appropriate to the term Long Playing). He told her, “I think I have a five o’clock shadow.” She gazed closely, then said, “I’ll give you 3:30 maybe, but not a minute more.”

Mindi asked what a five o’clock shadow was. Mary explained. Then I said, “Can you imagine what it was like at the beginning of transition when I was working at that job for twelve hours a day? For the last six hours I always had beard shadow sticking up out of my makeup. Can you imagine what that was like?” My son replied, “It’s you.”

Mindi philosophying on double standards between oneself and others:

“You know, the problem is: you don’t let other people get away with things, but you let yourself get away with things.”

Melanie to Keith about diets: My writing partner Chris once said about diets, ‘A waist is a terrible thing to mind.’

Keith: “It figures one of you would come up with something like that.”

Melanie: “That’s just because we’ve evolved.”

Keith: “Don’t you mean ‘mutated’?”

         MELANIE'S WISE WORDS OF THE MONTH

“Don’t look to others for answers;
Look to them for questions you have not thought to ask.”

AMERICA ONLINE GENDER GROUP STATISTICS

Contributed by Marsha J, Gender Room Secretary

Member by State as of August 1993

AK. 1 AZ. 2 BC. 2 CA. 31
CO. 1 CT. 7 DC. 1 DE. 2
FL. 17 GA. 2 IA. 1 IL. 13
IN. 3 KY. 3 LA. 3 MA. 7
MB. 2 MD. 4 ME. 1 MI. 9
MN. 4 MO. 7 MS. 3 NC. 6
NH. 3 NJ. 8 NM. 5 NV. 1
NY. 8 OH. 7 OK. 1 ON. 1
OR. 5 PA. 7 QU. 1 RI. 1
SC. 1 TN. 1 TX. 13 UT. 1
VA. 5 WA. 5 WI. 4 WV. 2
WY. 1 Unknown 49

262 Attendees on list

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OUR 262 MEMBERS FOR HELPING TO CREATE A SAFE HAVEN OF SUPPORT FOR EVERYONE CONCERNED WITH GENDER ISSUES!!!

                    GENDER CONFERENCE

Don’t forget to attend the Gender Room Meeting on the America Online BBS in the Community Room at 9pm ET every Sunday evening. Use Keyword, GLCF, then select Lambda Lounge or Community Room depending on your version of the software. For specific information, directions, or to order back logs of the chats, Email Marsha J, the Gender Room secretary.

                 GENDER ISSUES FOLDER

Also, when on America Online, stop by the new Gender Issues folder. This folder contains an ever-growing library of downloadable files ranging from lists of support groups to medical information to pictures of members to back issues of The Subversive. Use Keyword, GLCF, then select Resource Files, then double click on Gender Issues in the list. Upload YOUR files in Resource Files under New Files and Free Uploading.

AFTERGLOW

This issue, I offer a poem written by my daughter, Mindi, age 10

The Earthworm

by
Mindi Dawn

I had, I had an earthworm
To squirm, squirm, squirm
It was for my plant
It’s name was Ant
It dimmed the light
It died that night
It was doomed
There was a boom
It had nieces
We picked up the pieces
We put them in a box
We used a lot of locks
I had, I had an earthworm
To squirm, squirm, squirm

“May you never find occasion to say, ‘If only…..'”

SUBVERSIVE PUBLICATIONS

BEST SELLING NEW VIDEO RELEASE!!!!

Copies sold from California to Maine, Chicago to Finland!

“MELANIE SPEAKS!” In this new video, Melanie Anne Phillips explains how she achieved a new voice for her new role. The program provides exercises in Pitch, Resonance, Dynamic Range, Annunciation, Body English, Vocabulary, and Grammar in a step by step fashion that makes it easy for you to develop your own unique feminine voice and vocal patterns. The “secret” is a special exercise that let’s you develop a truly female resonance that you can turn on or off at the drop of a hat. If you have ever been embarrassed by your voice or have contemplated vocal surgery, see this tape first!!!

Subj: Melanie Speaks
From: JaniceTV
To: Melanie XX

Yesterday I received my tape. How wonderful. You can’t believe how much that it has helped. I’ve been practicing, and on the phone already I can make myself female. The insights on what is Feminine are worth just as much as the voice info. I’m sure that you have noticed more than most of us the great differences between male and female. It really is quite thought provoking. I have noticed especially the power words that I and other males use. Equally I have noticed the submissiveness of most females. Once you start to notice, its hard to believe that you never heard or saw it before. After seeing your tape and how far that you have come, it makes me wish more and more to be female. However, I have a better understanding of what that means!! I would be hard for me now, and in some ways I like it both ways. The main thing in life is to understand yourself and to be happy. With your help and of others, that is happening for me.

Love,
Janice

Melanie Speaks! – 49 minute educational video …………… $20.00

Raised by Wolves – A Transsexual Diary
Part One: A Spy In Their Midst………………………………….. $10.00

The entire trilogy is a day by day chronicle of the two and a half year transformation from an outwardly normal husband and father to a complete woman. Part one covers the first day of hormone therapy to the first day of fulltime. Part two begins with fulltime and ends as the last year before surgery begins. Part three counts down to surgery, ending as the train back from surgery pulls into the station. Parts two and three are being edited and will be available soon.

Poems by Melanie Anne………………………………………………$10.00

A collection of poetry and lyrics exploring society and self. Includes all the poems published in The Subversive and many more.

Dry Spell………………………………………………………………….. $10.00

An original sci-fi/thriller screenplay by Melanie Anne, following a woman archaeologist as she struggles to destroy a deadly organism discovered while documenting Native American ruins.

Snowstorm……………………………………………………………….. $10.00

An action/adventure screenplay by Melanie Anne, that crosses the paths of a teenage boy entered in a dangerous cross-country snowmobile race and the ruthless destruction of an entire town by a druglord.

The Day After Christmas……………………………………………… $5.00

A fully illustrated, satire on the threat of nuclear war that follows the destructive activities of “Saint Nuke” on The Day After Christmas.

Dichotomy……………………..30 Minutes, Cassette Album…….. $5.00

12 Original songs by David Michael Phillips, multitrack: keyboard, guitar, vocals.

Tarnished Karma………………..30 Minutes, Cassette Album….. $5.00

10 Original songs by David Michael Phillips, just before embarking on transition. Many of the lyrics pertain to the inner conflicts of gender dysphoria in a disguised manner, as this decision was not public at the time. Multitrack: keyboard, guitar, vocals.

Special offer: Double Album of Dichotomy
and Tarnished Karma on one cassette ……………………………… $7.50

THE SUBVERSIVE

Number 13
September 1993

Melanie Anne Phillips

This goes on my permanent record? Wait… What?

The Subversive | Volume Thirteen

“May you never find occasion to say, ‘If only…..'”

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“May you never find occasion to say, ‘If only…..'”

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