The Subversive
Number 1
Today marks the beginning of a dream I have had since I was twelve: the first issue of a newspaper devoted to the free and open exchange of ideas. At that early and innocent age I had read the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin and was deeply influenced by the wide-ranging iconoclastic topics he had addressed in his publications as a young adult. In my own life, the boredom of an intellectually oppressive school system and the mundane pablum doled out by the mass media left me feeling as if the Age of Enlightenment had withered up and died.
I yearned for a forum, a platform where the energetic, inspired thinkers of MY time might gather to debate whatever artistic, political, scientific, or social subjects that peaked their skewed perceptions. I sought a meeting place where works of insight and merit might be published and shared with others. But, alas, there seemed to be no such body available to a small child with an odd way of looking at the world.
So I adapted myself to what opportunities I DID find, went to film school and became a writer, director, and theorist in the film industry. I married, had children, and established a successful business. Then, about five years ago, I sat back, surveyed what I had accomplished, and realized that my life had become as boring and mundane as those institutions I hated as a child. I had become one of “them”.
` I took stock of my life, soon realizing that these external achievements had done nothing to satisfy that curious twelve year old child. What was more, there was some hidden inequity, deep within that found no solace in these material things. Old fantasies re-surfaced and played across my mind’s stage. I could not make them yield, nor could I shut them out. I became obsessed, compelled against my will to search them out and know myself in honesty and depth.
On January 9th, 1992, I had Sex Reassignment Surgery, fulfilling the destiny I found there, and bringing equity to my sense of self for the first time ever. I assumed the future would be one of internal peace and contentment, free at last from the secret torment of a lifetime. But the woman I had found inside was still not satisfied.
Through my transition, I had managed somehow to hold everything together. I kept my friends, maintained my family, enhanced my career. I made new friends both in personal dealings and in the extended world of the computer modem. I became involved in a project at a major software company that seeks to describe the very essence of how and why self-aware conscious thought even exists. And, just over a year ago, I began and organized a gender group on America Online that has grown in twelve months to 117 members.
More accomplishments you say? Yes, objectively it would seem so. But what of that twelve year old child? What of the dreams of a traffic in inspired thoughts?
A week ago Friday, that child threw a tantrum. I called up my “wife” of nearly seventeen years and told her I might not be coming home that night, nor any night after. I walked into the office of the company vice-president – my friend and writing partner of 15 years, and told him that was most likely my last day, and the project could crumble for all I cared. I called up my lover and told her not to expect to see me again. And I came home to pack my bags and move to Arizona to be a waitress.
You see, just as I had become obligated in a male role for so many decades, AFTER transition, I had become obligated in relationships and duties that did nothing to satisfy that childhood need. I went from caring about EVERYONE so MUCH that I could not say “No” to them, to someone who did not care what happened to ANYONE, least of all me. I needed some space, some time, a chance to recapture the wonder I had felt at simply being alive. If I had been left alone, you would not be reading this now. But those who love me would not let me go. Not without a fight.
My writing partner sat me down in his office for half an hour and urged me to take some time off – yes, but not to burn my bridges by proclaiming I would never come back. My “wife” took the afternoon off from work and insisted I sit next to her while she held me. I felt suddenly tired.
Encircled by her arms, my eyelids slowly closed. I slept.
When I awoke some minutes later, the truth of what these two special people had told me became apparent. I realized that I had over obligated MYSELF and left no room to simply “be”. I needed Melanie Time, time to sit and watch the clouds, time to listen to the breeze, time to put my thoughts into words and song – time to make that twelve year old’s dream come true.
I got up and called my writing partner on the phone and told him I need to switch to a four day week at the same rate of pay, so that I might have a day to devote to that child. He agreed without hesitation. I told Mary I needed more help around the house, and wanted the whole family to assist me in housework an hour a night until we were back on track. She agreed immediately. I called my lover and explained that I cared very deeply, but could only spend one day each weekend with her. She accepted the need. And I made a commitment to spend less time with the gender group on America Online.
For the last year, I have put in an average of 20 hours a week, hosting the Sunday meetings, answering mail from both the strong-willed and the fragile souls in need, as well as producing a new edition of The Gender News every couple of weeks. This I have done out of love for those, who like myself, are seeking an understanding of who and what they are.
But there comes a point when the draw is greater than the capacity, when the needs are greater than the resources. Like an electric circuit, the demands can grow beyond the potential. That Friday was a brown-out, a near-failure of the system to accommodate the pull. The next step would have been a black-out.
It is hard for me to admit that there may be more needs than I can meet, more suffering than I can salve, more questions that I can take the time to answer, even when I know the answer. I HATE inequity in all its forms, and have sought always to bring things into balance wherever I could. But the inequity I had not expected, not perceived, was the inequity of overtaxing my own compassion. I STILL care for all in need, very deeply, but now realize I cannot help them if I fail as a system myself. So, I have reorganized my commitments: four day working week, more help around the house, less time with my lover, less time with the Gender Room, and, I am changing the Gender News into the Subversive.
The Gender News will still be a section in the Subversive, with just as much, if not more, material in every issue. There being two primary differences: Rather than a bi-weekly, the Subversive will appear every month or so, whenever time permits. And rather than addressing ONLY gender issues at the expense of all others, the Subversive will be open to all manners of conjecture and experimentation providing a framework and outlet for all my other interests as well. The Gender News, will still be its own section in the Subversive, and since it will be published only once a month, it will have even more articles per issue than before.
I do not see this as retrograde motion, but as another step forward in the evolution and growth of the Equity Movement: the philosophy I founded that does not seek the same things for everyone, but equal opportunity to seek what is most meaningful to each individual. Men and women ARE different, the old and the young ARE different, blacks, whites and all races ARE different in many, many ways. But we are all the same in the depth of our feeling, the strength and validity of our needs, and the right to try and fill them. By providing a forum for self-expression and creative exploration, the Subversive exists to aid that Equity Movement toward the freedom to be oneself.
In a famous movie, Charles Foster Kane issues a “Declaration” in the first edition of his new newspaper that pledges to print the truth and champion the common man. Let this serve as the Declaration of the first edition of the Subversive:
“This journal exist to promote the concept that each human is a unique individual, intrinsically entitled with an equal right to pursue his own destiny as far as it does not inhibit others in that same right. The Subversive shall serve as a ready forum for the free expression and exchange of ideas that do not violate this mandate, in the belief that tolerance grows from a familiarity with variety.”
–signed,
Melanie Anne Phillips, Editor
(Copyright 1992 Melanie Anne Phillips)
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WHERE TO FIND THE SUBVERSIVE:
The Subversive is FREE as a download on America Online, Compuserve, Genie, several servers on the Internet, and various BBS around the world.
For those who wish to contribute articles, stories, personal experiences, information, jokes, or whatever Email melaniexx@aol.com on Internet, or write to:
Melanie Anne Phillips
150 East Olive Avenue
Suite 203
Burbank, California 91502
NOTICE: Only original material will be accepted unless quoted in the context of an original work or submitted with credit to the original author along with permission to reprint the material.
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LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
From: Jami1
To: Melanie XX
I’m not much of a poet, Lynda beats me by a country mile. But, here’s one for the Gender News if you like it. It was a last ditch effort, 10 minutes before my last appointment, to impress my psychologist who suggested I explore my masculinity. This pretty much says it like it is for me. I’m not a TS anymore, TG maybe. Too much at stake. I was willing to do that, and the idea was very appealing, but I’ve gotten to a place, where I am, that has suddenly made me realize that it is no longer necessary. I’m all here in one piece/place. I love it. I have you and others to thank. What you’ve given me is invaluable and extremely precious, wonderful and fulfilling. The sages and mystics have it. A wise old (American) Indian once commented that he wondered how long it would take me and others to realize we already have it.
My doctor told me a story which I must relate, then the poem:
A Tibetan monk’s task in the monastery on his road to enlightenment was to go down the hill, fill his bucket with water, haul it back up the hill, past the monastery to water the garden at the top of the hill, which he did many times a day. After ten years he attained enlightenment. What do you think he did the next day? He watered the garden.
FRIENDLY GENDER
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On advice bordering obscenity
I explored my masculinity,
not finding what I thought
was right in front of me,
but rather, beside me.
Now it all comes clear,
there’s nothing more to fear,
what seemed so far away
was really very near.
Jami
Thanks, Jami! A great note and a great submission for the News! I’m glad to hear you are happy where you are. You know, the fact is, you better be happy where you are because you’ll never be any place else! Take care, and
Love,
Melanie
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FEATURE ARTICLES
DREAM A LITTLE DREAM
By Pam 36C
BACKGROUND; I was born in February 1947. In the spring of 1950 my family (Mom, Dad, Sister and Me) moved to California because I was asthmatic. It didn’t help my chronic attacks so in 1952 we moved back to Ohio, and our old neighborhood. The new house we moved into was about ten blocks away from our old house. My sister was and still is very pretty but back then we played quite allot together. My sister is 353 days younger than me.
My first memory of crossdressing is in this house. As children go we got bored with our toys and make believe scenarios. We played grocery store, house, cowboy/cowgirl, etc. Well I can remember my sister asking “What can we play now?” On this one occasion I responded “Lets play dress up you be the boy I’ll be the girl” Of course she went along we were completely oblivious to the gender stigma attached to clothes. As I remember this only happened four or five times until she didn’t want any part of this make believe game. Try as I might she rejected the game each time. My next exposure to crossdressing would be by myself quite a few years later.
At about this time I started having a nightmare. I call it this now because then it was a very traumatic experience when it occurred. I would wake up each time very scared, distressed and confused. Here I must say the dream was the same every time I dreamt it. I had three or four a year over a period of probably five or six years.
As the dream started it was like the description of an out of body experience you hear about. My mind would be watching a scene unfolding. Though I would not be conscious of that mind being in a body. It was sort of like only my consciousness or intellect observing this 3D Technicolor panorama unfolding. It seemed as though I were a very great distance above a lightly wooded area. Not being concerned with the forest in particular my attention would immediately be drawn to a log cabin resting gently on a very green patch of perfectly kept lawn. The lawn subtly rolled away from the cabin in all directions, peaceful was the only way to describe it.
Looking at the cabin I am then drawn into it almost automatically and only by sight or so to speak telescopically. After the first few times dreaming the dream I tried to resist this but I couldn’t.. As I zoom in on the cabin it becomes transparent and I am suddenly gazing at the scene inside. The walls of course are logs. The light inside is soft and warm but I don’t know where it is coming from. Then I notice a very attractive very young very blonde little girl. She is sitting in front of the only window that I am aware of. Sitting, rocking just gazing out that window content and happy looking. The rocker is a child’s rocker, you know small, but real old looking.
She is very pretty in her pink dress with lace at the collar, cuffs and hem. Her hair is as soft as corn silk and about that color too. In her hair is a pink ribbon holding back her hair so only part of her ears are showing. Soft gentle curls cascade out of the ribbon and seem to flow from it. The curls sway easily a tiny bit as she rocks back and forth. With all this that I see I can’t remember ever seeing her face though.
I am aware of her emotions also almost as if I am connected to her feelings. She is content, happy and pleased by the sights outside the window. Rocking in the little chair and gazing out
the window makes her very happy. Then an overwhelming feeling sweeps over my whole consciousness. I have an unmistakable knowledge that I am that little girl in the chair, I knew it, I
could feel it, all my being knew I was her and she was me. At best I was completely confused by this sense of a connection with her. I didn’t understand any of this but I knew what I knew. That person in the rocking chair was me! Why, how, or what for I didn’t have the slightest idea. I could feel the contentment the peace inside this little girl. I knew she was happy where she was and what she was. All this peace, contentment and connection I could feel.
Then I became aware of a rumbling, distant sound. You know the kind of sound that when you hear it, even for the very first time, you know it isn’t a good sound something bad is coming.
Well, that’s what this brought to me, pure fear. As the sound came closer the little girl’s joy turned to terror. Still watching out the window as the sound and apprehension increased her rocking decreased. Then she stopped rocking and just leaned towards the window, watching and waiting. She knew what was approaching and she knew what would happen. I could feel her fear mounting.
Then just as in the beginning of this scene my consciousness zoomed backwards out into space. Automatically, as if someone just pushed the button on a rocket and I flew back out to my original, detached, safe position. Once there the otherwise pastoral scene was transformed into a terrible scene of destruction. The quite calm cabin was about to be crushed by an avalanche of large rocks and earth.
As I watched from my lofty and safe observation point I could still feel the little girls’ emotions. The peace, warmth, and happiness now were replaced with terror and panic. It filled me to my very core and I would cry out and weep uncontrollably. Then the emotional transmitter ceased and it’s now terrible transmission silent. The little girl was dead and so was that part of me that she was. At this point I would wake up usually drenched with sweat and filled with that lingering terror that something in me had really died, but I was still alive. Many times after I quit having that dream I wondered why she died what this nightmare meant. Then one day it hit me I killed
her, each time I denied she was in me. She was the girl in me sitting patiently, awaiting her time to leave that cabin. Waiting to breathe Gods fresh air, see the beautiful world He made and show off that pretty pink dress she wore. Time after time the avalanche of guilt would crush her and the beauty inside her.Leaving me empty, alone, and crying because I killed her again and again.
Then the dream stopped sort of by itself. As I remember it may have stopped around the first time I put on one of my sisters’ dresses when we moved into another house in 1959. Time clouds many of the dates but the sights and emotions that
happened over and over I’ll never forget.
Well, we are proud now who we are.
We are alive and living our lives together now.
We are at peace now that I have accepted her.
We both are happy now that she is out of that cabin and I am out of that guilt.
We may still not be able to venture beyond that soft green velvet lawn and out into that forest of unknowns, yet.
We have put up a welcome sign in the yard finally. The most important though is I will never lose her ever again. The rest of our lives will be at peace, happy and together.
Love, Luck, Laughter
Pam 36C
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From: CarynKR2
To: Melanie XX
Dear Melanie,
As you know, I run a bbs. You mentioned that I could post The Gender News on my bbs and it has become a popular feature. But no one has wanted to submit anything until now. So that is the motivation for this letter.
From: Lori Mcvay
To: Caryn Roberts
Subject: Gender News
Hi Caryn, it’s me again.
I would like you to post a message for the Gender News.
How have people in the Federal workplace handled their transition. Since the feds are covered by different rulings, has anyone had success transitioning in the federal government. I recently saw a interview with Dr. Biber and one of the girls was from a federal base (Army, Air Force, I forgot which one) so it must be possible.
By the way, I really look forward to reading the news. I especially like the quotes from her old diary before transition. I edited one of her messages because it described my thoughts better than I could say it and let my wife read it to prove to her that there is not all happiness in going through this gender identity plus I showed it to my therapist who said that it expressed my feelings very well but I let him know that it was from the Gender News (I can’t write that good).
Anyway, Caryn, rephrase the above anyway you want to but I’m hoping that a USA wide reading might get me some answers.
Love ya, Lori
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Once again, I would like to thank you for putting The Gender News together. I know it is a big job.
Huggz,
Caryn
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Contributed by: Heather121
Monday July 13th 1992 the Jersey Shore System BBS, a pioneer gender BBS, celebrated it’s 10th birthday. If you’re familiar with JSS, be assured the rumors of it’s demise are greatly exaggerated.
As explained by sysop Paula Keiser, JSS almost didn’t make it to it’s decade anniversary, but the perseverance of the sysop and the resources of friends have resuscitated JSS. Here’s the story in the sysop’s own words:
“I’m sure you’ve noticed that JSS has been thoroughly missing since April. A catastrophic hardware failure caused first the demise of JSS’s main drive, and then, later, the computer’s main drive. Finally, the main input/output system of the computer failed and took part of the motherboard.
Getting it fixed continues to be a project worthy of the Keystone Kops! I am now using a borrowed computer with limited storage space, STILL waiting for the return of my own computer. Consequently, in the interest of just getting the system up, I have installed a minimal system with message base only.
In the crash, both the message base as of April as well as the backups, have been lost, so we’re beginning the message base from scratch. Also, the user log and its backup were lost, but fortunately I found a backup from November, 1990 lying around, so all is not lost. Just ALMOST all! If the system recognized you, welcome back! If not, you will have to re-register.
I’m very sorry for the inconvenience. Believe me, I didn’t do it on purpose! Please help me and all the other callers, new and old, to restore JSS to it’s prominence as the oldest BBS
in southern New Jersey!
Paula (SYSOP)”
JSS is actually 2 BBSs in one. A first time caller and all casual callers will be greeted by the general-interest BBS. The gender section is “invisible” to general users. JSS can be reached at 609-693-8849. If you’re a new user (or have become a user since 11/90), you can log onto JSS, and obtain access to the gender section by logging on as first name APRIL last name MAY password FRIENDS. All 3 words MUST be entered in capitals. JSS is case-sensitive. You will then be walked through a brief questionnaire, and access will usually be granted within a day or two. JSS does not carry the gender echoes available on other BBSs, but has varied and active message bases and files unique to itself.
For the record, JSS was only the third gender-oriented BBS in the U.S. and the only one of the three which has survived to this day. The first was GenderNet in Oakland, California… the model on which JSS is based. The other was “Passing Fancy”, which was a “pay” system in Virginia. It’s a testament to the tenacity of the Sysop that JSS – one of the pioneers in on-line self-help for the gender community – is still an active, vital resource today.
JSS has been there for us for 10 years. If you haven’t discovered this marvelous BBS, call today. And be sure to wish the sysop a happy anniversary!
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Contributed by: Anna A1 In response to her questionnaire posted to members of the Online Gender Group, regarding which would be preferable: to change the body to match the mind, or the mind to match the body?
As to the first question: Well, I am a struggling CD/TV. ( I dress only at home when I am safe, due to my build I only dress as a woman from the waist down) I had stop dressing for years and only recently began again, however due to my build and features I do not look much like a woman. I am heterosexual and enjoy making love to woman so I don’t know where I fit in many times.
Altering my body to fit the mind would do nothing to further my situation than altering my mind to fit the body. I am in a ‘limbo’ situation until I decide whether I should be a fulltime TV or not. Also of late I have stopped dressing totally to see what my path is, but one thing I am sure of is that I have no desire to be a TS or see myself as ever becoming one. That is my personal feelings/opinion as I am sure that I am heterosexual meaning I prefer sex with women. To adjust my body would make me a TS who prefers women hence a lesbian. While this would seemingly settle my situation, it doesn’t. I do not want to be a woman, but feel a need and comfort when dressed as on, particularly when I’m writing.
Anon
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Oh, this one’s easy. By all means, change the mind…CHANGE THE MIND!!!
The pain of our condition is three-fold: First is the pain of unknown origin…the pain we’ve lived with all our lives. Something is wrong with us, but we don’t know what it is. Then comes the second source of pain — we unearth a name for who or what we are, and realize there must be steps taken to overcome the pain. For some of us, that includes changing our outward appearance to match that of our psyches. Therein lies the third source — the reactions of others, especially for those of us who have married and begun families. For some of us, we find we must reject that which we have built, those whom we love, in order to achieve happiness. This third source of pain could be avoided entirely if it were possible to alter the mind to fit the body. At least that way, we could continue in our original roles to those who love us.
We define transsexualism as non-congruence between the mind and the body. All we desire is to have the mind and the body of the same sex and gender. To alter the body, we must affect everyone around us. We force them to perceive us in a new way. This is difficult for many to accept, and becomes the reason many of us lose friendships, loved ones, jobs, etc. To change the mind would allow us to view ourselves as mentally and physically congruent without putting all of our outside world relationships at risk.
Our goal is mental and physical congruence. If altering the mind was as easy (yes I know — a relative term) as altering the body to achieve congruence, wouldn’t it be better to choose the path of alteration that affected the fewest number of people?
Elaine P1
If there was a choice of adjusting the mind to fit the body or adjusting the body to fit the mind, would you choose one or the other and why?
I would choose to adjust the body to fit the mind. I would much rather be female than male. I am TV. If life circumstances were different I would most definitely venture toward the TS end of the gender spectrum. But as things are today, I am and have the responsibilities of a husband and father which I take very seriously.
I would rather be female but I don’t have to be. And at this time being female runs contrary to my responsibilities of a husband and father. So settling to be TV rather than TS. No one is forcing me to choose this path, In following it of my free will. There are too many people whom I love dearly will be burden if I choose otherwise.
I don’t feel that I was born in the wrong body. I just would rather be female. (no therapist would give me letters of recommendations for surgery with that answer.)
I’m sure that I would have been a great wife and mother.
I hope my answer makes sense.
Leslie10
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I believe adjusting the body to fit the mind is the most appropriate since the mind is who and what we are. The physical attributes should match how we view ourselves.
Ellisa
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I would rather adjust the body to the mind. The mind is far more powerful then the mind and therefore cannot be adjusted. One cant deny there true feelings for long
Julie85042
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I am a pre-op-TS (MtF). I’ve been on Premarin since last Christmas along with electrolysis, etc. I go full time next New Years day. In response to your GenderNews question, I would never want to change my mind to fit a male body.
I wouldn’t be me anymore. I thought about this before I went on my TS path. I was to see a therapist to “cure” my transgender feelings. As my appointment got closer, I began to think of what I would be loosing if indeed I could develop a male mind somehow (It wouldn’t have worked anyway!). I love my femininity, my soft, emotional nature. My love of pastels, flowers, and pretty things. I love my women friends, AS FRIENDS. I’m glad I made the right decision.
Love, KristineTS
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Hmmm, adjusting the mind to fit the body or adjusting the body to fit the mind…
I think that adjusting the mind to fit the body is much easier. In my case accepting is the key. I have spent 27 years trying to convince myself that I was not a Cross dresser. Then I discovered the book written by Virginia Prince and found out that I was not alone nor was I much different than many other males.
Adjusting the mind to accept what I am as much as Who I am. Knowing that I will never have the body of a female and I must accept this also is part of the acceptance.
HUGS, Sarah 3182]
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For me, I would prefer that my body be adjusted to fit my mind. I prefer the female way of thinking and doing things. Since I don’t like male ways now, why would I want to force them on myself. All this macho stuff men have to put out is stupid and certainly not to my liking.
Any ways. I know this has been a short response, but that’s all I really have to say on the matter.
Love,
Wendy TG
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I’d rather change the body to match the mind. That way you stay the same person and the body would match the person. Changing the mind to fit the body, you would no longer be the same person.
Melanie337
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Speaking as a 12+ year post-op transsexual — if I could have changed my mind or my body (and I stress “could have”) — I would have changed my “mind.” The pain, the anxiety — all of the turmoil to family and friends would have been avoided — and I would be at peace with myself.
However, one can’t change one’s mind. It’s impossible, medically or psychologically. The body is a different matter. I did change my body — and from a 12-year perspective: YES! I WOULD DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN. No if’s, no doubts, no but’s! I am at peace with myself.
Jeanne
(Note: Jeanne responded to a posting on compuserves Genderline)
That’s an easy question. Adjust the body. I don’t want anyone messing with my mind, I do enough of that myself. I know it’s hard to be a woman, hell, it’s hard to be a human being, but unequivocally, without a doubt, yes. I never wanted to be a man, rarely thought of myself as one, and have gone through the craziness we all have, long dark nights of the soul wanting to give this up but unable to.
I am Cheryl (or Joyce or Karen or Jackie or Joanne or Susan), for good or ill, I can’t conceive of being someone else. I am a girl, dammit (banging head against the wall) and will consider no other possibility.
I refuse to recognize that I might have a penis, uggh! the thought turns my stomach. I’ve gone this far as Cheryl, I’m not going to deny it now.
I’m going to paint my toenails and not even think of the question.
Hugs,
Cheryl
(Note: Cheryl responded to a posting on compuserves Genderline and has mentioned that she will be joining in on AOL soon)
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I would prefer to have the body match the mind. My mind has the desire to dress and act feminine but my body does not look the part. I wish that I could get my body to more resemble the female body for a better fit of clothes and for looks.
As I said before. Thanks for taking the time to do this Anna.
It is OK to use my name in the gender news if you would like.
LeAnne CD
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Adjust the body to suit the mind. It just makes more sense since we know more about the body.
Susan TS.
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I would adjust the body to fit the mind….I’m not sure why I feel the way that I do , but I know that I have felt the need to crossdress sense I was about five…These urges have presented a constant challenge to me , and often I’ve prayed to have them go away…I do believe there is a reason why we have these urges and I know in my heart of hearts that they are both a blessing and a possible curse…I cursed and did not except these desires for a long time…now, finally I am beginning to give in to my desires and that is a blessing…I say bring on the magic pill that will help me be all that I can be.
Gemini8606
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I would choose neither choice. As a Het TV I don’t feel there is a problem with my body or my mind.(Well the body could use some work physically!!) If I couldchange someone else’s mind about TVism I think that might help.
Leesha
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I would choose adjusting the body to the mind. Although I believe I am not a transsexual, I would find it would be much easier to be a female than a male because of the strict rules that the dominating male society puts upon people.
I am a TG, primarily Androgynous, but I do crossdress with some women’s clothes. As a woman, I would be more free to express my individuality. A born female who is androgynous, is more likely to be accepted than a born male would be.
I was born a man with a female personality, which makes it difficult to live in a masculine dominated society. If I could change to be a woman, then I would. I would feel more comfortable around people and myself. I could look into the mirror and feel serenity.
Love,
Storm Face
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It depends
Mind to body…my fem mind to a fem body yes..but there is not all that much fem (that I know of) in me. When I’m dressed it comes out and especially when I’m with my wife I feel “soft” but I don’t know how far it goes In the other direction Body to mind since it is a male body I’ve never completely experienced the 100% male thing (due to the TV inclination). Perhaps I’d like too…but then since I have this cross thing (I’m defiantly hetero) I treasure those soft moments
A hard question to answer
JoNelle
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Hormones: When Reality Takes A Break
by: Wendi Pierce *
Recently I saw a cartoon in Tapestry that took a little while to sink in. The cartoon was a take-off on the drug addiction awareness ads running in many national publications. The original ad went something like this, “This is Crack, this is your brain on crack”. This cartoon substituted “Premarin” for “Crack” and showed the brain image as flowers, rainbows, etc.. At first I thought it amusing and a novel parody but the more I thought about it, the more serious it became.
The mind and what it perceives govern our lives. We as members of the “gender community” have decided to explore our minds and likewise our inner desires. In many cases, we are now able to express that inner self publicly. We have allowed our “inner self” to come out into the light of day, to be expressed openly and we are, “on a grow”, as a good friend of mine puts it.
However, we need to be clear headed and rational in our exploration of this inner self. We need to be able to evaluate ourself clearly and choose the right path at each and every fork in the road, less we wake up some day realizing that where we are now is not the place that we started out heading toward. Worse yet we may have no way to go back.
Everyone knows the physical effects which hormones produce. However, a powerful influence which may not be apparent to some is the effect of hormones on our mind. Most people do not realize that these chemicals have a dramatic effect on our mind as well as our bodies. If you want proof, just ask any “natural” woman how her mood, attitudes, and ability to function varies at times due to her natural cycle. In the case of a person on large doses of hormones being used to cause a gender change combined with the natural hormones present of the person’s original gender and one may end up with a mental state the equivalent of a bottle of nitroglycerin ready to blow at the slightest jarring.
For those who choose to experiment with hormones in a non-controlled environment, the situation is extremely dangerous. Supervision is the key here. Not just physical supervision which is usually provided by a family doctor or an endocrinologist but psychological supervision by a professional trained in “gender therapy”. A professional who is keenly aware of the mind altering properties of these drugs and a professional trained to observe subtle attitude shifts. One needs this kind of care to prevent the worst from happening. It would be horrible to wake up one day and realize that during a long sleep we now have mutilated our body, have lost the support of our family, are broke, without a job and on the verge of suicide.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not negative on hormones. I feel that they can perform nothing short of a miracle to modify one’s physical and mental being thereby correcting what I feel is a major birth effect, but the key is to use these chemicals in a controlled environment.
A good friend of mine related to me how he (she) was on a rocket ship for about six months. At the beginning of the period she began a program of hormone treatment wanting to become more feminine to “see how it felt”. After about four months on a fairly high dosage program (5-7mg/day), she was seriously contemplating a trip to Colorado for reassignment surgery. Within a month after she stopped treatment, she was still positive about being able to express her internal “second self” but surgery was no longer an immediate goal. She may someday have surgery but has decided that for now, the immediate gains would not be worth the price which must be paid, i.e. the loss of her family and career.
For others hormones and the effect on their minds had meant the opposite. The effect seems to have been to allow these people to more clearly see how comfortable they are in their new chosen gender. After hormone treatment their path became clear and the internal conflict which had been a life-long strife was resolved.
Hormone therapy can both resolve and create problems and should be administered with this in mind. In most cases, I would advise that the person discontinue use for a period after the initial effects have begun to take hold. This break will allow for the “hormone high” to subside and give the person a time to reevaluate where they want to go. A period of a month or so won’t hurt any long term progress that is desired and it will give the person’s mind a chance to return to their pre-hormone thought patterns. Therapy during this period is very important, and an in depth consultation should precede the continuance of hormone therapy. Questions such as “what am I gaining and what am I giving up should be asked. If the answers are not conclusive, then continuance of hormone therapy should be postponed until some point of resolution of there questions is possible. If hormone therapy is reinstituted at this time, it may conceal the true inner self and the replies may only be those reflecting the person’s “hormone high”.
Successful “gender therapy” is the desired result and proper application of the methods and therapy (including hormone therapy) are the tools. These tools should be used under the close supervision of a trained gender therapist. If the methodology described here is followed, I feel that the person has a better chance of attaining a true peace and contentment with the true inner self.
* (C) Copyright 1990 by Wendi D. Pierce. All rights reserved. Permission to reprint this article in publications of the gender community is hereby granted provided that this article is published in it’s entirety including this notice and credit is given to the author.
USEFUL AND INTERESTING INFORMATION
From: JeriTV
To: Melanie XX
Here is an interesting one for the News. “Cross Dressers Anonymous. Just like AA. A group of 8 TV’s in the Austin Texas area have gotten together to form this group. Their goal is to stop Cross Dressing by supporting each other, much the way AA works. It seems these 8 people have determined that compulsive cross dressing can be disruptive to their normal daily lives. They have tried all kinds of different ways to stop. But have come to the conclusion before forming this group that it was near impossible. So far the group has been together for 6 months and so far so good. Anyone seeking information about this group can contact CD ANON on CIS, ID# 72037,3306 or write R.P. Foster 5114 Balcones Woods Dr Suite 231 Austin, Texas (no zip code given). CD ANON the organizer of this group has gone through two divorces because of his cross dressing and doesn’t want to risk a third. I know this could be an explosive subject when discussed in front of other TV’s. It was in the CB Channel on CIS late Sunday night. But I thought that it provides an interesting bit of information to the readers of Gender News from a different slant.
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Subversive Poetry
To start off the Subversive with something odd and arty, here are a few short poems and prose poems I wrote on the plane on the way to Florida last week:
Untitled #1
Rows on rows,
like stacked sardines,
their easy chairs propel
them ‘cross the heavens
Untitled #2
Running down the aisle,
the small boy
stops
to smile at a cloud
Untitled #3
The movie ends,
the watchers rise,
walking backward
in the skies.
Untitled #4
The pig on my plate,
in the form of ham,
in the skies over Texas,
unknowingly,
slides down my gullet,
an aerial fate,
as I ponder
that pigs CAN fly.
Untitled #5
Waves of air report against
the fragile silver shore,
Waves of grass remain embedded,
moving while they stay,
Riding high above the land,
yet standing on the floor,
Tricking time and bringing near,
the closing of the day
Afterglow
I hope you have enjoyed this first expanded edition. Join the fun, express yourself, get something off your chest. There is no better place than this to share what you are thinking, feeling or experiencing. Life is an adventure if we choose to take it that way. We only sink in the quicksand if we stand in one place too long.
Melanie Anne Phillips, Editor
(Copyright 1992 Melanie Anne Phillips)