Another issue of the online magazine I published in the early 1990s
THE SUBVERSIVE
Number 11
“Where Dreams are the stuff Reality is made of”
DECLARATION OF PURPOSE
“This journal exists to promote the concept that each human is a unique individual, intrinsically entitled with an equal right to pursue her own destiny as far as it does not inhibit others in that same right. The Subversive shall serve as a ready forum for the free expression and exchange of ideas that do not violate this mandate, in the belief that tolerance grows from a familiarity with variety.”
–signed,
Melanie Anne Phillips, Editor
WHERE TO FIND THE SUBVERSIVE:
The Subversive is available FREE as a download on America Online, Compuserve, Genie, several severs on the Internet, and various BBS around the world.
For those who wish to Subscribe, contribute articles, stories, personal experiences, information, jokes, or whatever Email Melanie XX on America Online BBS (MelanieXX@AOL.COM on Internet), VNSV96e on Prodigy, Melanie Phillips on Feminet, or write to:
Melanie Anne Phillips
150 East Olive Avenue
Suite 203
Burbank, California 91502
Only original material will be accepted unless quoted in the context of an original work or submitted with credit to the original author along with permission to reprint the material.
Submission of original material for publication in The Subversive constitutes a non-exclusive license to Melanie Anne Phillips by the author/copyright holder to reproduce all or part of the material in any media.
EDITOR’S NOTE: It is my desire to make this publication available free online to all who wish to read it. However, due to copyright laws, any overall license would allow unscrupulous individuals to excerpt portions and use it for their own personal gain. Therefore, should you wish to upload this publication on your BBS or simply generate hardcopies for support groups and friends, please write me about a free specific license for your purpose.
EXPLORATIONS
by Melanie Anne Phillips, Editor
“OPENING A CAN OF WORMS”
Last edition, I wrote an editorial about the “C” word: Censorship. In it, I introduced a sister publication to The Subversive to be called Can Of Worms. This month, the first issue of COW was published to very positive response. The thoughts I chose to address in my first editorial for Can Of Worms seem to me to be the best follow up for the Censorship editorial in the last Subversive. So, here are the concluding thoughts in the concepts begun last time in The Subversive.
From Can Of Worms:
“Chaos Realizes Synthesis”
DECLARATION OF PURPOSE
“Truth lies like the grain of sand at the heart of a pearl. It may not be elegant, it may not even be pretty, but it is the core of the sugar coating we call our lives. The more we protect our heart, the more it suffocates, locked in by the pressure of its own protection. Can Of Worms exists to crack through the lemming layers that insulate us from our own truth, binding our minds in a vice-grip of ignorance. What we find at the center may be red and raw, but it will respond. We may be enraged or hurt, but we will be aware. And through that awareness, we will grow again.”
ORDER AND CHAOS
I began the electronic magazine, “The Subversive” a year ago to foster insight. Today, I inaugurate a new publication, “Can Of Worms” to incite. Whereas The Subversive seeks order through understanding, Can Of Worms seeks motivation through chaos. All the understanding in the world is useless until it is applied. Yet all the effort in the world is useless until it is focused. The moment you arrive at an understanding and move on it, chaos ensues. Eisenhower once said (and I can’t believe I’m actually quoting Eisenhower!) “Planning is vital, plans are useless. And Ziggy expounded, “Every time I find out where its at, somebody moves it…”
Yet we have all had the experience of getting nowhere fast, or “the harder I work, the behinder I get” syndrome. This points up the other side of the equation: that motivation without focus is non-productive at best, counter-productive at worst. Clearly both understanding AND motivation are required to get anything worthwhile done. And that doesn’t just mean physical endeavors but mental as well.
The Subversive continues to be a forum of new perspectives that encourage synthesis. Yet it is not designed to enhance the “ooomph” factor to get things moving. That’s where Can Of Worms (COW) comes in. You may not find new meaning in what you see here, but you’ll more than likely be moved by it.
Let me tell you about the guidelines for submissions to Can Of Worms: there are none. That’s right, anything goes! Now this may mean that there will be anything from prejudicial slurs to gutter language to pornographic material. Certainly many of the articles to come will even offend me! But I’m not going to censor content. If its balance you want as a reader, its up to you to provide it.
Do you take exception to a point of view published here? Well then submit a rebuttal. Put in your own article to balance the one-sided nature of the other. As far as I’m concerned, the only sin in Can Of Worms is for a reader to sit there like a sponge and sop and squirt but not contribute.
Can Of Worms is an experiment in free speech. Traditionally, highly rhetorical incendiary editorials are found in publications biased to that point of view. I hope that we can set a new trend here, attracting hot-headed, biased diatribes from ALL sides of an issue. This will make Can Of Worms an equilibrium of balanced inequities, neutral not because of its blandness, but as a result of its spectrum of intensity.
So, I greet you all to the first edition with a hearty welcome and an open invitation to speak your mind.
— Copyright 1993, Melanie Anne Phillips
And now for the next installment in the serialization of the book:
RAISED BY WOLVES:
A TRANSSEXUAL DIARY
by
Melanie Anne Phillips
PRELUDE
The pages beneath, chronicle my 30 month journey from a life as an apparently normal husband and father to that of an apparently normal woman. In the hope of capturing the immediacy of this emotional trip into the unknown, I shunned the retrospective approach, opting instead for a daily Diary.
Each entry was made on the day the events actually happened, expect as noted. And each is filled with the raw and unpolished thoughts and feelings that held me at that moment.
Of course, this leads to a somewhat meandering story, as well as contradictions in my point-of-view and personal emotional outbursts that I’m sure will make me squirm once this is published. But anything less would be less than truthful. And if this document is to serve any purpose as either a tool for tolerance and understanding or as an inspiration to those contemplating any major life-change, then it must be completely honest.
NOTE: Starting with September, 1990, my schedule became so tight while I was editing the feature film, Social Suicide, that I could no longer take the time to make my diary entries directly onto the computer. The only way not to lose the emotion of the moment was to record my thoughts onto a microcassette recorder. Obviously the results are not as polished, nonetheless, I include them here as they are the only record of this portion of my transition.
September 2, 1990
“Things are getting a little difficult to put down on paper; I just don’t have the time. And I’m writing screenplays and working on books with people, and working on books of my own, and the only way to keep track of all these thoughts is to put them down all at once onto a microcassette recorder for later when I do have the time. Sometimes I’ll be doing Melanie voice and sometimes Dave voice. We’ll start with today.
“Today, I had another blow-up scene with Mary. Each of the last two weekends I’ve really fallen apart when I had to go out with the family. With the long fingernails and the hair and everything, it was very apparent that I wasn’t exactly a normal male. And if the bustline showed too much….
The weekends get really tough because I get into the mood of being Melanie all week long, and then I have to switch back and try and be Dave. But I don’t look like Dave anymore. Even though Mary doesn’t mind the stares, I do. I still care what people think. And when I know I can get by a lot better as Melanie without stares than I can as Dave, why should I force myself to appear and act as Dave, when I know I can’t pull it off? When I don’t WANT to act as Dave? Instead, it would be much better for me if I could just act as Melanie and not have anybody staring at me… or at least not as many. It’s very difficult… I’m only doing it for Mary. But the last two weekends have been hell to try and do it. And even though I love her very much, I’ve reached the point today where I just couldn’t do do it anymore.
“So I have a little room that we’re making in the back in the garage and I’ll be moving into there on a very temporary basis. Whenever I can’t take the strain of appearing as Dave anymore, I’ll be moving in there to get away where I can be myself. And I’ll probably be making a lot of journal entries there instead of doing them in the house.
“Also, I’m going to have to start moving toward being Melanie more, even though I’m going to continue to keep a foot in each camp, as it were, and have some people see me one way, and some see me another. And even though I’m able to get my friends used to seeing me as Dave again and then as Melanie the next day, just so we can have them over to visit and things and so Mary’s comfortable with it, that really can’t go on very long ’cause I don’t want to be that way forever.
So I have to take steps here, step at a time, one step at a time to change from any remnants of Dave all the way to Melanie one hundred percent.
“Last night, I went to my support group meeting, and it was kind of a small turn out, but the people that were there, a lot of them were in very much a similar situation as mine. Some were married, some were not, but all were going through transition at about the same phase. Most have not gone full time yet. There was a lot of comraderie. We went out for an early breakfast at two in the morning and stayed out ’til four, talking over our personal things and just having a good time in a regular restaurant.
“It was kind of interesting to me that this was a restaurant frequented by people of tanssexual and transvestite natures, and I’m really not one for involving myself in that group. I just go there to the support meetings to find out about how other people are dealing with situations and offer my experiences. I don’t really care to associate with that group as a group. People separately, each individual is someone worth getting to know. But the group itself, especially the night clubbers are just not my type.
“Anyway, at breakfast, it was intriguing because there were a number of groups of people in the transgendered community who had shown up there, most of whom, of course, I didn’t know, but there were also a number of straight people: the majority. I looked over and there was this one couple in their twenties, a guy and his girl. They looked over and they sort of fixated on me. And I thought, wow, am I THAT bad looking, you know, that I really stand out amongst THIS group? But it turns out that I overheard their conversation, and I was really tickled. They were trying to figure out if I was a real woman or just part of the group. So, I guess even sitting amongst people like that, I’ve finally reached the point where I’m starting to pass real well. So I tell people that I just don’t get ready anymore, anywhere I go. It’s just that sometimes I get mistaken for a man.
“One note for this morning: Since I was feeling so down, I started really getting upset. Last weekend I kicked out of the back door and bent the screen door and then went over and kicked the back gate off the hinges. It was a wooden gate, I split it in two and half is still on the hinges and half is leaning against the wall. I did that because I had friends coming over that evening and I was presenting myself as Dave because of my agreement with Mary who would only have people over if I was Dave. But it was really hard to be Dave with them again after I had struggled so hard to be accepted as Melanie. But we had a very good time that evening, everything was great.
“But this weekend, I was feeling down and depressed again this morning. And Mary and I started arguing. Just when we got our angriest and most hurt that we have been in this crisis, I went in to take a shower and Mary broke the tension by getting a bucket of freezing cold ice water, and throwing it over the top of the shower curtain all over me, to show me that she wasn’t going to take it so seriously and let it all fall apart. And also that I was to be punished for bringing this up so seriously to being with.
“That was okay… I laughed it off… But then she felt that wasn’t enough and came back and did it one… more… time…. One too many times for me! So I got out of the shower, filled the bucket with cold water from the sink, and ran, stark naked, into the living room chasing her, with the kids staring at everything. She bolted out the door, knowing I wouldn’t follow. I followed. I chased her into the front yard and all around , finally catching up with her and throwing the cold water all over her. So we had our recreation and the neighbors got a thrill.
“I can see myself looking a lot different, moment by moment. All of a sudden with the increased dosages of hormones, the new hair style I’ve adopted, with the redistribution of fat around the body, body English changing, gestures, muscle volume and tone, and electrolysis, things are shaping up to the point where it would probably be very difficult to pass as a male now.
September 4, 1990
“Here I am driving to work down Barham Boulevard on the way into Hollywood. I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but the other day, I was feeling really “Melanie”. And I was also a little bit klutzy, dropping everything I touched and pushing the wrong buttons, and a little bit giggly on top of it. So altogether I was feeling a bit like a bimbo, bubble-headed type character. Not intentionally, mind you; I think I was just in the middle of my off-cycle of hormones, and it was a getting a little rough to negotiate the mental twists and turns.
“So, it was getting really crazy, and Larry, the director of the picture, and I were laughing a lot. Toward the end of the evening I made some really stupid mistake, and Larry had the audacity to say to me, “If you keep on being naughty, I’m going to have to spank you”! I cannot believe he said that!
“Okay, I thought it would be interesting if I actually made a recording as I walked down the street….
Today is Labor Day, and there aren’t too many people around. I’m walking down a side street called Carlos, which is about two blocks from Hollywood and Vine, the corner where I work. I usually take this side street so I can avoid walking down the middle of Hollywood Boulevard where there are bigger crowds and a lot more people to look at me.
“I still am real self-conscious, so I have to grit my teeth and bear it every time I come into the office and walk that two blocks into work. The hardest part is going to be coming up, when I have to go onto Hollywood Boulevard and face all the traffic and all the people, passers by. One of the worst parts of it is that on Mondays, like today, after I’ve had a day off and I’ve had to slip back into Dave role, a lot of the body English doesn’t come naturally anymore. I have to do a kind of forced walk and remember where to put my hands and my arms and how to move my shoulders and my hips: a bunch of stuff that should come naturally, and does by the end of the day. But in the meantime, its highly embarrassing because I know I just don’t carry myself properly.
I’m crossing the parking lot, which is usually full, but being Labor Day, there’s nobody in this parking lot today. There are a few people on the street corner. There’s an old bag lady pulling some tin cans out of the trash to buy her breakfast, I guess. Usually, you see a lot of vagrants sleeping here on their bed rolls, curled up in little driveways and stair wells, and sometimes in the bus stops.
“One nice thing is that almost all the parking is metered around here and the free parking is about two blocks away so that in the morning, the sun is at my back, which keeps my face in shade and makes it a lot more difficult to see bad make-up or electrolysis.
“I’m now crossing the street onto Hollywood Boulevard and coming to Tod Browning’s star, whoever the hell that is! Red Foley… I know that name… Irene Rich… Eddie Arnold and Betty Davis. Here I am actually walking on top of Betty Davis and Arthur Godfrey… stepping on their likenesses, I guess, their Voodoo spirituality… whatever.
“I just passed a couple of women… I think one of them read me, I’m not sure. Now I’m passing a couple of guys and they don’t seem to be paying me any attention. I really can never tell these days if people are talking about me behind my back or not.
“Now I’m up to the Equitable Building where I’m working. The guard needs to let me in because its a holiday. The sound you did not just hear was the elevator repeatedly opening and closing because I forgot that I hadn’t pushed the button for the seventh floor so it didn’t know where I was going.
“Okay, I’m stepping out of the elevator and wondering if Larry got here early, but the outside lock is still on the door which means I’m here before he is so I’m not going to get into trouble for being late. Okay, the door is shut behind me and I’m safe inside. There’s nobody here which means if I’m quick, before Larry comes I can go into the other room and use the big, long mirrors behind his desk and check my makeup without looking like I’m looking through his private papers, which I have never done and never would, but even though he knows me, if he sees me standing there, he will wonder if I do.
“When we have the interns here working on the film, I always tried to sneak in before they got in so I could check the makeup because outside in the daylight its different than in the car, different in my house where I put it on, and different in the office where I spend my day. I have to put more coverage on the upper lip and red areas. God, I hope this electrolysis gets over with soon.
“Well, I went into Larry’s office and checked the mirror, and sure enough, that upper lips stands out. I really don’t know what to do. When I put on makeup here to make the coloration go away, if I go outside with it, it looks like I’ve got a big bright mustache of a lighter color in the daylight. Never knowing if I have to go outside for any reason, its kinda difficult to figure out exactly how much to put on. If there are interns here, I certainly put it on, but with Larry, of course, like I’m going to fool people who already knew me as Dave that I’m really Melanie? It won’t make any difference as long as they accept me and I’m not overtly stepping out of the role I’m stepping into, they will be able to continue to deal with me in that role. And even if they do see beard show through or discoloration or anything, they’re just going to know that is part of transition, and that I’m doing my best.
“Its the people that DON’T know that I get worried about, and I really should get over that. But it seems to me that all my life I’m going to care about what people think, though I try very hard not to. Everyone around me seems not to care. I’m the one who gets embarrassed by that. And yet, the embarrassment has never stopped me from doing anything. They don’t get embarrassed, but they wouldn’t do the things that I would do.
“The borders that I have to cross… the obstacles that I have to surmount, to them are insurmountable. They would never (they say) have to the courage to go out in public and do what I have done, and yet I, who feel embarrassed just by being looked at, somehow find the courage to go out and do the things that get me looked at whereas they would not be embarrassed by the looking at but embarrassed by the doing.
“I don’t understand that at all. Maybe since its that the need to be me, the need to be a woman, is so great that it overcomes even a greater degree of embarrassment and shyness than it would in someone who had no driving need like that.
“I enjoy coming in every day and checking the messages, and I also enjoy answering phones, especially when Larry is here with me alone, so there it nobody else to grab it and its either him or me. Because in answering it, its very secretarial, and I enjoy (I’m afraid) being in that position. Not being humiliated by doing the menial chore, but kind of pleased to be, how can I put it, supportive of HIS efforts, allowing him to make the decisions he has to make and be thinking about what he has to do, and be the one to support that effort. I kinda like that support position. God, I mean, that’s terrible! I’m going to get killed by the Women’s Libbers for that, but its really the way I feel – maybe only because I’ve never been forced into that position, but am now having the first opportunity to accept it when I choose willingly. But if I should choose not, I don’t have to worry about a weekly paycheck, not getting another job, kids to feed, relationships at work that would be broken – its just Vic and Larry and me doing this film. There’s an awful lot of people that would hire me. So maybe from that comes the freedom to allow oneself to be subordinated and enjoy being in a non-stress position, letting someone else make decisions, because you know you can walk away from that and pick up the reins whenever you want.
“Just a quick note: today is the last day before I go back on my cycle of pills, but the after affects of the dosage is such that my breasts are really tender and sore today – they really hurt! It’s very hard for me to get used to saying, “my” breasts, because I don’t psychologically feel like I have any. But when I look down and see the way things are going, indeed I do.
“One of the things I have to get over is that most of what I talk with people about is my transsexualism. I think the reason I’m doing this is that as long as I’m talking about it, I’m still keeping one foot in the male camp. I don’t know if this is a way of not making an ultimate decision that I’m going to stay as a woman forever or if its just a way of not having to judge myself on how well I’m doing. But I do know I’ve got to stop it, because people have got to be getting really bored with it. I can’t imagine why they still put up with me when that’s all I have to say these days.
“At this moment, I’m just living. I’m just moving through time and space. I’m not thinking about being female, I’m not thinking about having been female, I’m not thinking about what stage I’m in, I’m just living.
“I’m just being aware of myself as a human being. And this self-awareness is very comfortable when it comes. When I think of warm breezes and rainy nights. I think of hiking in the snow in the mountains and laying on the sand at the beach. I think of my children on Christmas morning and the pictures that they draw. I think about Mary and snuggling together in bed on a cold night. All these things become so non-gender oriented, yet the means of expression… to show how I feel… the gentleness, the softness that I can express as Melanie is so much easier and closer to the surface than it ever could be as Dave. Perhaps when all is said and done, I will find myself thinking not of male or female, man or woman, whether I’m read or not, I’ll just live.”
Copyright 1993, Melanie Anne Phillips)
(The Transsexual Diary series will continue in the next edition of The Subversive)
I urge you all to keep a diary of YOUR personal journey, whether it be through transition or not. The attitudes and even the order of events becomes cloudy through time, and I am continually amazed to re-read things that memory would have me believe had happened differently. If nothing else, it is a good way to see long-term patterns in yourself that you cannot see except in retrospect. That objective view alone is worth the inconvenience of keeping a journal.
FEATURES
“ARE GENDER SUPPORT GROUPS SELF DEFEATING?”
By Denise Anne Fell
As I write this, I freely admit that I have never had the so called benefit of a support group. From the observations that I have made, I feel that I am fortunate in that respect.
--The idea behind a support group for any reason is wonderful, especially in an area as touchy as gender problems, however, from things that I have seen and heard, I also believe that they can be
very damaging to individuals that attend the meetings.
--I believe that in order for a support group to work, there must be a leader. Not one of the girls, but someone who is far ahead of the others, or even better a member of the medical profession that has knowledge in the area of transsexualism. The second and perhaps the most important thing is total and complete honesty. Granted, the idea behind a support group is to offer support to each member, however, building false hopes and not being honest in order to make another person feel good at that particular moment can have far reaching consequences.
--It is one thing to leave your home or apartment in the dark and go to a meeting in a dimly lit room and tell each other how good everyone looks. When reality strikes and that individual has to go out and face the world in broad daylight it becomes another story.
--I wonder how many transsexuals, who are appearing in public for the first time will handle being laughed at by some little teenage girl. It happens and I can tell you from experience, it hurts. It can shatter your self confidence. It can make you doubt your ability and it can drive some that are close over the edge.
--In addition to the comradely from these meetings, a time should be set aside to discuss current problems and issues involving the members as a group or transsexuals in general. Members should set up times when guest speakers can attend. Get someone to come in and give makeup demonstrations. Mary Kay and Avon should be more than happy to send a representative to show proper techniques. Have someone knowledgeable in wig styles come in and explain how to properly choose a wig. One that will not only match your skin tone, but will enhance your facial features. Sometimes what we think looks best is actually the worst for our features. These people have the knowledge to help the entire group succeed in their goal of becoming a woman or man.
--One of the most important things that the members of a group can do is to learn to give and even more important accept constructive criticism. Above all be honest, it is better to hurt a members feelings in the security of a safe group than to fill that individual full of false hope only to have it broken into a million pieces when they first venture out into the world by themselves for the first time.
From: Stephanie2
To: Melanie XX, Marsha J, Chandle500
To: KixTV, Danita TS
Enclosed is the journal I kept during my trip to Chicago. I offer it pretty much as I wrote things down. I couldn’t have made this trip without all of the support and love received from this group which I have come to call the Electronic Gender Community.
Thanks for the support.
Stephanie
The following is a journal kept during the Be All You Can Be convention hosted by the Chi Chapter in Chicago, from June 8-12, 1993.
– Stephanie Julia Havens –
“My Journey – Be All You Can Be – 1993”
Day One – June 8, 1993.
What a day. When I awoke this morning I knew Steph was beginning a new adventure and my life would never be the same again. I was very excited and terrified at the same time. Chicago!
I was up until 2 am packing a suitcase that contained enough cloths for two weeks. Yet I knew the whole trip would last only 6 days. I will never bad mouth an over packed lady again. Thank god I visited Joan and -borrowed+ a few things. Stephen needs to take Stephanie shopping.
Took long bath and SHAVED! I+m read to go. Three quick stops; Post Office, Car Wash, Museum, then on the road. It should take about nine hours to arrive in Chicago. (Wrong – only 6)
Funny thing happened outside of Rockford. I decided to wear the forms under my white sweater. I pulled over for gas and got out to fill the tank. There was a gentleman filling his car just in front of mine. As he looked over I realized what I had on and that without makeup I looked like a guy with a serious glandular problem. Lost the forms before paying for gas.
Arrived at the Ramada Inn, sit of -Be All+ by 3 pm. Coincidentally the cab I followed into the parking lot contained my room mate Michelle from CT. Inside the lobby I call for Naomi and make connections.
Still in male mode, Michelle and I walk up to the counter and announce -Room for Stephanie and Michelle.+ I couldn+t believe it cam out of my mouth. the clerk made me spell my name and she (Joan) found the slips and we signed in.
Michelle and I hit it right off. We exchanged herstories and firsts like old friends. This was Michelle+s 5th Be All and while ironing clothes for the week she fills me in on what to expect.
6pm we head to dinner and eat a wonder Italian meal at the hotel. conversation was like that between old friends even though we had only met 4 hours earlier. (Cool)
Back up in the room Stephanie makes her first appearance. (Joan you are right, plucking the eyebrows makes a huge difference.) Michelle is working on her legs, arms, eyes. I decide to give plucking shot. WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!
Michelle gave me the most wonderful earrings. They use converter so you can take studs and turn them into clip-ons. WOW!
I decide to take a chance and leave the room for some soda. The first attempt went down in flaming failure. There were 3 men waiting at the elevator and I couldn+t get past. I was frightened but I didn+t panic. So I returned to the room with my tail dragging.
Michelle told me not to panic and take my time. Where have I heard that before. Later I made it to the machine, what a feeling of freedom. Still I am very self-conscious.
As the day closes, I prepare for bed and think of what is yet to come. What an adventure.
Day Two – June 9, 1993.
My first day out. After the plucking of the eyebrows last night, the eye makeup looks much better.
Registration begins at 10. So Michelle and I head down the elevator. Still very nervous I brace myself for sharing a ride with the other guests. It is always worse in you fears than in real life. A change begins to take place that is what I came here for.
No one is in the registration room. So Michelle and I go exploring the hotel. The outdoor pool looks wonderful. Maybe later in the week for a dip. I begin to gain confidence as we walk and talk. I get used to the stares and resolve that this is going to be a good week.
By 11:30 Michelle and I have been sitting in the Registration room for 30 minutes. We have met and chatted with Sandy and Karen.. They are a husband and wife couple from Canada. Just another example of how open and accepting this community is.
During registration met Vicki from IN. She is a country western impersonator. Rachel, Vicki, and Michelle and I chat, have lunch and can feel others watching. It doesn+t matter. (We are sharing the hotel with the Baptist General Conference [state] Convention).
Some of the Vendors have arrived, and I strike up a conversation with Anne for Louisiana. When I informed her that she might not have my shoe size, she starts looking. (Size 9 1/2, she specialized on larger sizes) She produced at least 5 pairs in my size. There are two pair I immediately fall for, a pair of red flats and a black pair of 1 1/2+ pumps. I can only afford the flats but I+ll have the pumps by Friday.
Short nap & the White Welcome dinner time 6:30. I became enthralled with all of the women who arrive. Beginning to feel part of a sisterhood. Politics is the conversation over dinner of salad, chicken (oriental) and almond Mousse. Some average and some drop dead good looking women.
Nature calls and another first, the women+s restroom. (I+ve cleaned enough of them.) It just didn+t feel right to go to the men+s room in a white sundress with pink turtleneck. First time to adjust make up.
Prior to the start of dinner we all stood and introduced ourselves and I found three other girls from MN; Roseville, St. Paul, and Duluth. Cool.
Heading off to the bar…
Tomorrow brings a boar tour of Lake Michigan, and a make over lesson from the Mary Kay rep (Fay). I know they may have been buttering me up, but I enjoyed the compliments just the same. The agreed to teach me how to do my eyes, I can hardly wait.
Everyone looked great. A few people commented on how lovely the gold bracelet looked. As well as the nicety of having a GG friend. (THANKS JOAN)
Today is the first time in my life I got my shot at being a girl, and I loved it. Thanks
Day Three – June 10, 1993.
As the day begins, Stephanie becomes more real to me. Today is for fun only. A boat ride s schedule at 10am. I head down stairs to get into the vendors room to meet with Fay and set up an appointment. On the books for 3 pm.
I run into Sonya, a designer from In. She is spending the day going into Chicago to meet with designers to sell her line of fashions. Living out a dream.
The bus ride over almost wipes out everyone. They never should have used school buses. The traffic due to construction is as bad as St. Paul was last year during the worst of it. 3x.
On the boat I have a lovely chat with two of the ladies from MN. They told me they brought NO male clothing along. Whew. The read of the boat ride I talked with Sandy & Karen. Except for chat with woman from Mississippi. We decide that if Stephanie make a public coming out, I+ll do it as the first Cross Dresser to canoe the Mississippi from end to end.
3pm and even though I am exhausted and sun burned, I sit down and take the lesson from Fay. She explains proper skin care and make up application. $103 is the cost of all of the accessories to make the face beautiful.
5:30 a new adventure begins. Rachel, from Houston, introduces me to Amanda from IN/FL. We decide not to take the bus to the dinner theater, but take Rachel+s rented Continental.
When we got into her car and looked around, the busses have left without us. Here we are three tourists with no idea of how to get to the theater. We head south in hopes of catching the busses. Amanda caught them moving down the free way parallel to the frontage road we are on. Quick U-turn and we are on the same road, but no busses.
We head south and go on for about 30 miles before pulling off at an oasis to call for directions. My personal instincts cause me to volunteer to make the phone call. So out of the car, not feeling particularly feminine I trudge into the Wendy+s and make connections with the Candlelight Dinner Theater.
Back on the road we laugh about the whole incident and continue onto the most wonderful performance I have ever experienced. First half of the play was a solo actress singing every word, the second was a dance troop of 12 dancing the same story. AWESOME. (Andrew Lloyd Webers: Song & Dance)
Back to the hotel by 11. I talk Michelle into coming down to the bar to get a coke. While there I spot a Baptist minister I met in the elevator the previous day.
I went over to say hello and see how the conference was going. This began a two hour Q&A session. They put my faith to the test and wanted to beat me with scriptures, but failed. Having a rock solid faith in Christ got me through the last 24 years, and didn+t leave me when I needed him most. They also couldn+t shake my lifestyle choice.
The women couldn+t truly accept Stephanie, but told me that I carried myself very well and by the end began to understand. I also realized for the first time that Stephen was very firmly entrenched inside. I was a whole person with an eclectic taste in clothing. I was comfortable with who I was and had become for the first time in over 20 years.
Exhausted I slip into bed a whole person.
Day Four – June 11, 1993.
Boot Camp! The session spoke about how to carry oneself, comportment. Most of this I learned a long time ago as an actor. How to stand, sit, walk, and just present yourself in the best light. The leader was a CD of many years who was pinch hitting for her wife who is a professional model.
Fashion was the next topic. Nothing that I hadn+t read about in the newspapers or seen on television. I did learn how to use color to create the illusion of a waist line.
The keynote luncheon speaker made a wonderful point…labels like CD,TV,TS are for the back of your shirts and dresses.
After lunch Rachel full fills a dream…to go to the mall. We talk Amanda into going with. Amanda says she wouldn+t miss my first -mall crawl+ for the world.
We head out to the Woodfield mall and head for a larger women+s store. There is a freedom and nervousness that I feel until Rachel asks the head clerk, -how many cross dressers do you sell to?+ The ice broken the store clerks open up and all is normal.
We had to talk Rachel into this beautiful dress and then into buying it. I get talked into a wonderful black silk dress. The hem stopped at the knees with a string fringe to below the calf. It felt wonderful, but it was a size 22 and way to big for me. I couldn+t afford it anyway; $195.00.
Another dinner and I just couldn+t wear the same outfit one more time. No matter how many scarves and accessories I tried, it was getting old. So I headed down to the vendor area and put together a smashing outfit. A blue sleeveless dress with white polka-dots from one vendor. I found a perfect hat from Rachel+s Wigs, a red belt from Jim (makeover artist), the red shoes from Anne and a bracelet from Mary Kay.
Met my one and only Jerk. This guy was here on vacation with his wife and he just didn+t understand. He wore a -stupid+ grin and had nothing but fear in his eyes. Like what we were doing would somehow rub off and change him. He oozed machismo.
Later in the bar, I noticed that every time his wife would strike-up a conversation with anyone from our group, he would -reel+ her into his arms and hold her like a mother protecting a baby from the world. It was the saddest behavior I have ever seen.
1am – sleep.
Day Five – June 12, 1993.
Its Saturday. The day begins as usual; shower, shave, makeup. I+m off to a session about Balance. even as the session begins I sit and workout yesterday in my journal.
I+ve notice water goes through me a little faster…silly
The panel talks about adolescent & gender confusion. I think of Anony1 from AOL and how these people could help. I must get some names. They also talk about finding a balance to Cross Dressing and the public life.
Full time is not for everyone. Left unchecked this could become as destructive as gambling or drinking. Keep in sight who you are and why you do this. Make time for this like any other hobby.
Lunch is a fashion show. Amanda is wearing an absolutely stunning black dress with gold beading.
The big dinner is tonight, and I don+t know what I am going to wear. I have one last outfit from Joan…but no blouse. Just then Rachel comes along and invites my up to her room to try on a dress that was too small for her to wear. After an initial goof, the dress looks and feels great. I ask to borrow it for the night and she says OK.
I run down and get the shoes to go with it, these black satin pumps with gold and silver accents. Anne agrees to hold my check for two weeks so it won+t cause and overdraft charge. What a community.
Rachel (wigs) has agreed to work on my hair in exchange for back rubs previously given. It is another first, my hair in a very feminine style, and I begin to feel beautiful. She adds a black lace bow with rhinestones to complete the look.
After meeting and a short prayer session with the ladies of the Baptist General Conference, I run into Rachel (Houston) and agree to help her put together a surprise for Amanda. We pick up a few things at the gift shop and I get another Q&A from a stewardess.
Up in Rachel+s room with Amanda, Rachel reads a couple of poems she has written for the occasion. Tears and emotions swell as the words speak directly to my heart.
Amanda has been mulling over the purchase of the dress she wore for the fashion show when Rachel hands her the present. Inside is the dress. She then looks at me and tells me she really met to buy the dress I had on for me anyway. Amanda and I begin to cry again and I know what Anne means by -kindred spirits+
The dinner party was a great success. I looked and felt wonderful. We all stood for a group picture, the wide shot type. What a group of people.
I spent the rest of the night trying to make it last. Talking and joking with Barbara #1, and others until 3:30am. I finally meet Marsha Jackson from AOL. She came down just to meet me. What a group.
Day Six – June 13, 1993.
Sunday 8:00 am…
…tears…
…good-byes…
…tears…
Promises of a future meetings. The drive home had only one event. I took off En Femme and almost burst trying to find a gas station. The attendant pointed me to the Ladies room and after paying for my gas she said -have a nice day dear.+
I almost killed myself when I saw Joan, slipped on the wet grass running up to her. I wanted to tell her about the entire week and re-live it all. We went out to dinner at Bakers Square me still in dress and I felt the best week of my life coming to a close.
Short of my acceptance of Christ as my savior, this is the best I have ever felt. It is great to be whole. A new life/journey is ahead and I look forward to every minute.
Subj: My Coming Out
From: DanielleH
To: Melanie XX
Well, Mel, as I told you last Sunday at the forum, I was going to “do it” this Saturday. Guess what, despite literally sweating bullets at the eleventh hour, I DID IT!!!!
Since the Partytime Cafe, as it was called, was held in Boston, and I live in Maine, I checked into the hotel Friday. I dropped off my wig at a local beauty shop recommended by the local support group (Tiffany Club of New England), dropped my blouse and skirt off at the drycleaner, and made an appointment with the makeup artist at the beauty shop to do my makeup for me.
Normally, I do my own makeup, but this was to be a very special event in my life and I wanted to look perfect (now if that doesn’t sound female, I don’t know what does).
Saturday afternoon, I dressed in my tightest blue jeans and a peasant style denim top. Then, off to the drycleaner, and then to the beauty parlor. So far, I was not nervous….. until I got to the beauty parlor – then I began to sweat…bullets. I kept thinking to myself, “What if…” Finally, I reminded myself that my time had come and what I had wanted for the past 30+ years!
I walked in, spoke to the owner, and was directed to a private room where I could change clothes and get ready for the makeup and my newly styled wig. The sweat came again, heart quickened, I though, “My gawd, my wish is finally coming true!”
The makeup artist was really nice, asking me what colors I use and how, then instructing me on what I should use in the future and what best fits my features and complexion. It seemed like an eternity, but only 40 minutes later – Danielle was born! The makeup artist said that I looked beautiful and that anyone would certainly think I was female in appearance. When she turned me around to the mirror, tears formed in my eyes – Danielle was quite an attractive lady, if she says so herself. The makeup artist took a few pictures of me, some for me, some for her – she thought the before and after pictures were amazing. She even asked if she could introduce me to some of her TRULY female customers – of course, I said yes – my confidence was holding its own.
I drove back to the hotel to pick up a few things and felt quite confident walking through the lobby to the elevators and back. After all, I was a woman. One woman about 25 years old in the lobby, “checked me out” as I walked by and told her husband that I must “be a call-girl.” I smiled to myself and thought, “Alright! That’s exactly what I want to feel like – a desirable female!” After all, red pumps, pleated red miniskirt, white hose, red ruffled panties, sheer white blouse and long blonde well-teased hair sure do get attention!
The event was held at a Convention Center/Hotel about 20 minutes away from where I was staying. I drove alittle slower than normal to get there, just to see how many passing cars “checked me out” at the stop lights —– I loved it!
Once at the Convention Center, I met in-person the Tiffany Club members. I belong to their BBS, but have never met any of them. It was nice to talk all night about ourselves, each other, exchange thoughts/ideas about clothing and makeup…just being female. Of course, when Mother Nature called, I left the table and headed to the rest rooms. As I pushed open the door to the Men’s Room, I realized my predicament (????), excused myself, and entered the Ladies Room. My confidence surprised me, no nervousness or sweating as I went about my business there. In fact, while I was touching up my makeup, a girl in her early twenties asked who did my hair because it was so beautiful – I told her the salon’s name, and she was grateful. Ah, to be a woman.
When the party ended, I went over to the lounge with some other members. Several times men came up and asked me for a dance, but I declined – not quite ready for that…yet. I think I need alittle more walking before I decide to run! I did however enjoy the attention!
Well, I returned to my hotel. Walked through the lobby, past security and up to my room. I slept like a baby that night – and I know that can be taken literally, after all, Danielle was only born about 8 hours beforehand.
I am so pleased with my first time, that I know it will soon be “every time.” I am on the road to becoming the woman that somehow nature forgot. For those of you thinking about Coming Out, I can only say that it was a great moment for me and I intend to make those moments permanent.
“A Symbiotic Friendship”
by Karen Patrick
The words sear through softened layers of protective shell burning hollow my spirit. A simple sentence lay waste an evening of joy. In a fleeting moment a gender
confidant openly perceives me as man. “I see you as a supportive male”… her words
silence my self esteem wrenching open a lifetime wound. An hour later I lay on a bed
bursting tears from deep within.
It is not said in malice but the voice maintains its echo. My emotions are fragile and crumble in despair. Years of projected image designed for societal
survival remain etched on the surface. It has not yet faded enough. Perhaps a year
ago I could have disregarded my feelings…I no longer can.
Joining a gender support group has placed me on a winding path of discovery and destruction, friendship and pain. It is a delicate link to renewed hope of
fulfillment. It is a place which has allowed me to uncompress a feminine essence and
expose a vulnerable core. It has left me emotionally defenceless and in need of
reassurance.
That night I cried into the phone for an hour. The sympathetic person on the other end helped patch up my life. She has done it for me before and will again …
she is my best friend.
I first met Sharon at the group’s annual BBQ. We had few opportunities to talk amid the rumble of the day but we exchanged phone numbers and I hoped to talk to her
soon. That night I met my first encounter with the reality of open femininity.
Feeling unrestricted and emotional, I vented years of loneliness by falling into a
momentary interlude with the wrong member. By morning I was hurt and alone again. I
called Sharon’s number and for the first time in my life found true support and
compassion. We talked for two hours, then again the following night for four more.
Our phone calls have never stopped and we meet almost daily. She is my link to self-
understanding.
Through this friendship I am learning better how to touch my innercore. I have come to lean on her, her on me … we support each other in trouble and triumph.
Through this support group I am meeting a microcosm of the real world through the eyes of a woman. It is filled with a spectrum of pain and joy. There is only one
constant within, a friendship as deep as I have ever experienced with one who feels
what I feel and sees beneath the exterior layers.
So many fears have been overcome one tiny step at a time with her help. The origins of transition commence with release of the mind. I have someone now with whom
I can share this experience in kaleidoscopic detail. I have someone who shares with
me her innermost thoughts. She is both a guide and a dependent. It is a symbiotic
relationship in a rarefied culture.
I feel fortunate. I feel released. I am slowly becoming Karen and know I can not accomplish this journey alone. This group has opened a new pathway of hope, a new
honesty. It contains a precious friend who is helping me bond with others and
overcome adversity. I can no longer imagine how it was a year ago when I was truly
alone.
Letters FROM the editor!
This is a letter I wrote to the SO of someone considering SRS, who was worried about what the future might hold. I have removed the personal references to maintain anonymity and title the letter with a new term I coined to describe the mate of transsexual partners.
” SRSO”
As you know, every marriage, every relationship is unique in many ways. So the things I will be talking about may or may not apply to you. However, perhaps some will. So, I’ll share what I can about how Mary and I have dealt with transition through post-op.
Mary and I have been together 17 years. We have two children, a boy 14 and a girl 10. We both work, she at a job, me at a career in the movie biz. I started experimenting with hormones in 1987, but did not go on them regularly until August 1989. Our married life had been one of smooth sailing, but not much excitement at all. We were both virgins when we married. Our sex life was sparse, and only rarely was it anything to write home about. There was a lot of fear of rejection on my part, so I gave up a lot of pleasure like Beatles music because she didn’t like the Beatles (and so on with many other things).
My career was going nowhere, but only because I was self-defeating. I had a small business of my own doing video duplication and freelancing as a non-union writer director. Money started getting tight. We were heavily in debt. I got roped into some really bad deals and was forced to work 16 hours a day until 5 in the morning, and still we did not have enough to pay the bills.
I guess I had tried everything I could to find happiness OTHER than explore my gender feelings which I had surpressed completely for over 8 years. Finally, almost on a whim, I went out and bought a wig at Kmart. I liked the way I looked. I started taking little trips around the city and to local attractions in the summer of 1988, but did not tell anyone, especially Mary.
My mother died in January 1989, and that’s when the dam broke on my feelings. I realized I was a workaholic who had forced themself to fail because I knew what I really needed in my life. I decided I had to know who I really was and began dressing again, and finally told Mary that I had to explore this side of myself. Mary never loses her cool. She was unhappy, but did not fight with me. She said she would deal with it as long as she could, then would give me the option of stopping or leaving.
Each time I took a new step, she told me the next step would cost our marriage. But each time that next step came, she found she could accept it. That’s kind of what happened with relationships as well. She does not like it, but she has learned to accept it. The benefits for her are that MOST of my time I spend here with my family. And that I have made a commitment to her as my Life Partner, that she comes first and always will. But that commitment is not that she is my ONLY relationship, just my first and forever one.
Since she was the only relationship I ever had, I found it very hard to get involved with anyone else. I have had only one brief fling before surgery, and three in the year and a half since. Mary and I still sleep together and cuddle, but do not make love. We tried that after surgery, but it was even a little less fulfilling than sex had been previously. We may try again some day, who knows. (Editor’s NOTE: Since this letter was written, Mary and I are intimate partners on a regular basis again.) Still and all, sex does not have to be part of a Life Partnership. We share the house, the bed, the dreams, the future.
The hardest part for each of us was believing that we could have an open relationship without the risk of one of us leaving. We have no fear of that now. We share so much in our 17 years that no one could ever catch up to that for either of us. So, although she is lonely the nights I am gone, and I know I will suffer at first when she goes out with a guy and spends the night, we are ‘growing in our love and our commitment every day. And we are growing as human beings, learning not to be as possessive, and to become ever more confident in the special feelings we have for each other that no one can ever share.
That is the heart of our success: that we believe in each others commitment so strongly that we no longer fear someone else taking away our partner. It took nearly four years to arrive at this point, and it continues to progress. And there were many fights and devastating scenes along the way. But it is working now, and it is worth all the suffering and compromise to get here.
Well, I hope this helps a bit. Email any time you have a question, or just want to share!
Love,
Melanie
From: Melanie XX
To: Elaine P1, Marsha J, DeneseAnne
Just wanted you three to be the first to know that I will be stepping down as Gender Conference hostess as of January 1, 1994. There are a couple major reasons for this. One is that I am having more and more trouble relating emotionally to the rollercoaster ride of transition. Since it is a year and a half since surgery, I am so integrated that the actual emotional experience of getting here has faded. In fact, I feel like I was always here since birth. I truly feel that the best person to handle the hosting duties is someone just a few months ahead of the average attendee, and certainly someone who is no more than a year past surgery. The things I focus on, and the things I am interested in now, no longer have the same common thread of those who are struggling to achieve that which they have suffered for internally for so long. I might as well be a genetic female for all the good it does for me to speak of actually being female. Other than as a nebulous inspiration, I really can no longer conceive of what is the best advice and guidance to give – I’m too far away from the pain. That is reason one.
Reason two is that Dramatica and Mental Relativity are becoming so all consuming in my career that I find no more time to split with my duties in the room. If I continue to attend each meeting and participate fully in Email support, I end up with no time left for me or my family. I used to be a workaholic. Not any more. Now I am content to pursue my career during the weekdays and actually enjoy my family and even some free time to read or play games in the evenings and on the weekends. Now, this does not mean I will be dropping out completely. I’ll still bop by the room from time to time just to see how everything is going. I will also be putting some of this extra time into making The Subversive even better.
You know, its funny, but when I read my diary entries in The Subversive, the person who wrote them is completely foreign to me. I cannot fathom what was going on in his head and heart, yet I know I used to be that person. I am not anymore. My boyfriend, Andy, refers to that earlier incarnation as “your brother, Dave”, and in truth, that is how I feel about him. For a long time, I tried to deny him. Then I tried to ingrate him. But now, I have integrated all that is appropriate to me, and I am quickly forgetting that the rest even existed. Mental Relativity says you cannot become just by being the way someone is, but only by also NOT being the way they are not. Too often, we try to hold on to the past, to that which is no longer true, as if it were still a part of reality. That way can only lead to pain and discontentment. The time has come for me to take hold of the wonderful new life that stretches out before me. But I can only travel down that path, by locking the gate to where I have been, and throwing away the key.
I will continue to write articles, publish The Subversive, and answer any Email from those who need help. And for all my friends in the community, I hope to continue our correspondence and occasional meetings, as you are not my sisters only because of gender issues, but because we are all people who share a way of looking at the world. So, I’ll be around for about six more months, mostly here, but sometimes not, in order to smooth the transition to whoever might wish to fill the post. I also want to thank you, Marsha, and you Elaine, and you Denese for all the help you have given me and all the effort you have put into the Gender Conference to make it what it is today. It could not have happened, and I could not have survived it all if not for you all.
But now, my work is done here, and it is time to move on. I hope that whoever steps in to fill the job will also have the good sense to move on when they grow away from transition and into the full bloom of womanhood. Thanks again, and accept my hopes for each of you to reach the same fundamental peace and happiness that I have been fortunate enough to enjoy. Take care, and Godspeed.
Love,
Melanie Anne
MELANIE’S WISE WORDS OF THE MONTH
“Speak up an be heard,
or , Shut up and be herd.”
– Wilma Snakestare
USEFUL INFORMATION
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Make-up, Dressing-Up, Shopping, Outings, Experience personalized, passable, feminine transformation by a professional, caring female in a clean, DISCREET, upscale home.
Largest wardrobe on the East Coast. Crossdresser novices warmly welcomed. Non-sexual service.
BY APPOINTMENT
(suburban Philadelphia)
(215) 635-TV58
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Works with clients on feminine look, walk, talk, and gestures (won’t get it all in first visit).
Fee Schedule:
Length of visit 1st Visit Follow-on Visit
3 Hrs $275 $210
3.5 Hrs $315 $235
4 Hrs $340 $260
Visits can last up to 15 hrs (usually a repeat customer) and can be tailored to suit the needs/desires of the client. Prices above are for basic visit. Additional activities such as shopping, outings, etc. will probably entail an additional charge. She only works with/on one client at a time.
First visit is normally 3.5 – 4 Hrs due to getting comfortable and starting to trust consultant.
Emphasized that this is not a sexual service. Also emphasized that this is not S/M, B/D, or any other kinky, humiliating, or degrading activity. Focus is on providing a safe, comfortable, discreet environment to explore and enjoy crossdressing.
Yes! There is something else in life BESIDES gender, believe it or not! And this issue, Carol G shares part of it with us by sending in two of her favorite recipes.
Subj: Recipes
From: CarolG
Cauliflower salad
take one head of cauliflower and cut the flowers into chunks(sizes to taste).
Add cut up pieces of celery, olives, cukes,Dill pickles,hot dill cauliflower, tomato wedges, green peppers, carrots, broccoli, and any other vegies you like. Then I marinate over night in Italian dressing with 1/2 cup of hot dill cauliflower juice and two table spoons of pickle juice. Makes a whole meal for me.
CarolG.
Subj: Chicken On A Cloud
From: CarolG
Combine and coat one 2 1/2 to 3 pound chicken with a coating of
1/3 cup of flour
2 tea. salt
1 1/2 teas. ground sage
1/4 teas. pepper
Brown chicken in 1/4 inch cooking oil.
then place in 2 quart casserole dish.
Sift together 1 cup flour
1 teas. baking powder.
1 teas. salt
Add to mixture three well beaten eggs, 1 1/2 cups milk, 1/4cup butter, 1/4cup chopped parsley. Stir till smooth and pour over chicken, and bake until tender. (about one hour) at 350 degrees. Makes 4-5 servings.
AMERICA ONLINE GENDER GROUP STATISTICS
Contributed by Marsha J, Gender Room Secretary
Attendee Stats as of July 1993
State Listing
AK. 1 AZ. 2 BC. 2 CA. 28
CO. 1 CT. 7 DE. 2 FL. 15
GA. 2 IA. 1 IL. 14 IN. 3
KY. 3 LA. 3 MA. 7 MB. 2
MD. 4 ME. 1 MI. 8 MN. 4
MO. 5 MS. 4 NC. 6 NH. 3
NJ. 8 NM. 4 NV. 1 NY. 8
OH. 8 OK. 2 ON. 1 OR. 4
PA. 6 QU. 1 RI. 1 SC. 1
TN. 1 TX. 14 UT. 1 VA. 6
WA. 5 WI. 4 WV. 2 WY. 1
Not determined 29
236 Attendees total on mailing list
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL OUR 236 MEMBERS FOR HELPING TO CREATE A SAFE HAVEN OF SUPPORT FOR EVERYONE CONCERNED WITH GENDER ISSUES!!!
GENDER CONFERENCEDon’t forget to attend the Gender Room Meeting on the America Online BBS in the Community Room at 9pm ET every Sunday evening. Use Keyword, GLCF, then select Lambda Lounge or Community Room depending on your version of the software. For specific information, directions, or to order back logs of the chats, Email Marsha J, the Gender Room secretary.
AFTERGLOW
Usually, I write the Afterglow column, including some poem or brief article that seems like a closing thought. But this issue, I have received a short essay that is so warm and full of heart, I step aside (just once!) to present it here.
“Happy in a Hug”
by Karen Patrick
____
A warm light glows in growing intensity within the
core. It is surrounded by darkness stretching into a
seamless distance. There is no meaning to the void only the
essence of radiant desire. A simple caress could cause it to
illuminate the expanse bringing all into focus.
The need for companionship extends beyond mere
acceptance. It is the making of a human essence whole. The
touch of a friend is prized beyond conventional value. The
thought of love and being loved drifts within the twilight
of an emotional void.
I can not extinguish the flame. It resists logic and
rationale. This yearning for male compassion blossoms
within, yet it is incongruous with my physical being. I wish
for normalcy…a man and a woman bonded by love. But I am
not yet woman, still not man.
A happy night with friends mutates into emptiness. A
caring man is nearby but he is unreachable. Too unsure to
approach, afraid of being approached…it happens again and
again. These feelings torment the innerself and the spirit
dwells on ideal fantasy.
It is not for gratification but for emotional
assurance. A momentary transference of compassionate energy
to strengthen fragility, a dispersal of increasing
anxieties, a sharing of human warmth. A longing to simply be
held.
It feels beyond the realm of true potential but the
emotions glow with growing luminescence.
May you never find occasion to say, ‘If only…..'”
SUBVERSIVE PUBLICATIONS
BEST SELLING NEW VIDEO RELEASE!!!!
Copies sold from California to Maine, Chicago to Finland!
“MELANIE SPEAKS!” In this new video, Melanie Anne Phillips explains how she achieved a new voice for her new role. The program provides exercises in Pitch, Resonance, Dynamic Range, Annunciation, Body English, Vocabulary, and Grammar in a step by step fashion that makes it easy for you to develop your own unique feminine voice and vocal patterns. The “secret” is a special exercise that let’s you develop a truly female resonance that you can turn on or off at the drop of a hat. If you have ever been embarrassed by your voice or have contemplated vocal surgery, see this tape first!!!
Subj: Melanie Speaks
From: JaniceTV
To: Melanie XX
Yesterday I received my tape. How wonderful. You can’t believe how much that it has helped. I’ve been practicing, and on the phone already I can make myself female. The insights on what is Feminine are worth just as much as the voice info. I’m sure that you have noticed more than most of us the great differences between male and female. It really is quite thought provoking. I have noticed especially the power words that I and other males use. Equally I have noticed the submissiveness of most females. Once you start to notice, its hard to believe that you never heard or saw it before. After seeing your tape and how far that you have come, it makes me wish more and more to be female. However, I have a better understanding of what that means!! I would be hard for me now, and in some ways I like it both ways. The main thing in life is to understand yourself and to be happy. With your help and of others, that is happening for me.
Love,
Janice
Melanie Speaks! – 49 minute educational video …………… $20.00
Dry Spell……………………..110 pages, scriptbinding…………… $20.00
An original sci-fi/thriller screenplay by Melanie Anne, following a woman archaeologist as she struggles to destroy a deadly organism discovered while documenting Native American ruins.
Snowstorm……………………..102 pages, scriptbinding………… $20.00
An action/adventure screenplay by Melanie Anne, that crosses the paths of a teenage boy entered in a dangerous cross-country snowmobile race and the ruthless destruction of an entire town by a druglord.
The Day After Christmas………….50 pages, Softcover………… $5.00
A fully illustrated, satire on the threat of nuclear war that follows the destructive activities of “Saint Nuke” on The Day After Christmas.
Dichotomy……………………..30 Minutes, Cassette Album……. $10.00
12 Original songs by David Michael Phillips, multitrack: keyboard, guitar, vocals.
Tarnished Karma………………..30 Minutes, Cassette Album…. $10.00
10 Original songs by David Michael Phillips, just before embarking on transition. Many of the lyrics pertain to the inner conflicts of gender dysphoria in a disguised manner, as this decision was not public at the time. Multitrack: keyboard, guitar, vocals.
EDITOR’S NOTE: It is my desire to make this publication available free online to all who wish to read it. However, due to copyright laws, any overall license would allow unscrupulous individuals to excerpt portions and use it for their own personal gain. Therefore, should you wish to upload this publication on your BBS or simply generate hardcopies for support groups and friends, please write me about a free license for your specific purpose.
THE SUBVERSIVE
Number 11
July1993