This is a raw, unedited transcription of one of the tapes I recorded to document the progress of my work in continuing to expand the Mental Relativity theory of narrative psychology originally developed by myself and my friend and partner, Chris Huntley.
Alas, there are misinterpreted words, misplaced punctuation and so on, though it was a horrible task to give someone and she did a magnificent job under the circumstances.
Here’s the transcript for the record:
August 26, 1994. Some thoughts that go down to the variation level of working out personal problems. In our early days of dealing with mental relativity, Chris and I, established a group of four concepts, that later became the first four variations and after that we then changed them completely by name. We’ll probably be coming back to these variations, as being the central core for alter ego. So –?– –?– and talk about how they become involved in the emotional side of personal problem solving. These four variations are can, need, want, and should. Originally we believed can was just what you were able to do, later we realized that can meant ability limited by outside concerns. For example, permission other pressures from other people, rather than just saying here is my natural ability, we say we can, outside influences are considered rather than just inside potential. When we look at need, need or everybody thinks we need something that’s it, you need it and there is no two ways about it.
Need depends on what your motivations are. For example, you would say, somebody needs air to breath, well if someone is trying to commit suicide by suffocating themselves, the last thing they need is air to breath. It depends on what you need to do, as to what you need. So even the needing food and water, that’s the last thing a person needs if they are trying to go on a hunger strike. For example, when we talk about can, need, want; want we use to think was desire, but in fact want is the lacking form of desire. Want means to lack, and so were as desire says things are great, but here is something that could be even better, want means things are terrible until I get this, I want to be able to enjoy myself. That’s why want works very closely with need, and you end up with want need people, that say I need this because I want it and unless I get it I won’t be happy. Then you end up with the fourth aspect which is should, and just as want and need go together, can and should go together because can is one of the outside influences and should is the pressure that does the limiting; so you have, can and should, and want and need. Other combinations are there too, like can need people and want should people, each one of these different relationships creates a different kind of pairing. When you end up with can, need and want, should, then you’re dealing with dynamic pairs essentially and when you end up with want, need and can, should , then you are dealing with dependent pare relationships and the other combinations of need should can want, that’s dealing with companion pair relationships. When someone can do something and somebody else wants to do something, or somebody wants something and someone else can do it, well then you end up with a companion relationship, were they are working in tandem, the by product of each are beneficial to the other. Need and should has the same kind of relationship, those are positive aspects.
Now remember, we talked about when men and women look at the four kinds of pairs; dynamic, companion, dependent, and component. When we look at those four kinds of relationships, men are going to say one is positive and one is negative of each of the pairs. Now that is primarily because they are looking at the logical. rational side. In fact, if women look at the rational side, look at the reasons why, they will also see that one is positive and one is negative. So when you are using a reason to try and measure things, you’re going to want to find a way of evaluating the object of your concern, in terms of finding dynamic pairs and evaluating which pair is positive and which is negative. So you can take any quad of items and say if these four things are what is intrinsic to this particular object of our evaluation, then this dynamic pair seems positive that means this one is negative, or if I say this one as negative then this one would be positive if I could get it going, same thing for companion, dependent, or component pairs.
Now if you’re looking at it emotionally, which is were women intrinsically would look at evaluating, evaluate in terms of their emotions, or if men get to the point were they look at it rationally and then decide to look at it emotionally, then you are going to see where out of the four kinds of pairs, one of them is going to appear to be completely positive and one of , both pairs will appear to be completely negative, in one of them one will be positive and one will be negative, and in the other one the reverse pattern. Now how do ;you get reverse pattern, well quite simply everything in this –?– system is based on –?–, and as a result anything that emanates from the –?– position, is not only considered default position of positive, however just as likely it could be negative but that is not consistent with the culture in which we live. However, regardless of whether it is seen as positive or negative there is a triumvered of pairs that animate through the K position, so that we have one of them comes as the dependent pair, one of them comes as the dynamic pair, one of them comes as the companion pair, all three of them splay out of the K position. Meaning that if you say in one appreciation of a companion pair is positive and the other companion pair, the co-companion pair is negative, then if you say that another quad has the reverse relationship, that means that whatever the one that came out of the K was, of that companion pair, it was positive. For example, then if you go into dynamic pairs and it is a reverse relationship, then the one that comes out of the K will be seen as negative. Now this has to be drawn to be really appreciated, and once you’ve drawn it then it is quite easy to see. So at this point, in document it would be nice if we could put in four little boxes with quads and I can just sketch in the relationships as I’ve described them here, with the dynamic, companion, dependent and component pairing.
Now, I’m going to look at this system, we get into the –?– the one that should, and in fact, from the position I’m looking now which is the subjective one, I can line up can, need, want, and should, with the four kinds of pairing. I can say that when I look at dynamic pairs, I’m dealing with can because can comes out of ability minus limitations and the dynamic pairs are dealing with battling heads against somebody else, battling against them. One of the pairs measures, when the two of you come together you loose nothing of yourselves and yet create something greater outside of yourselves, that is synthesis, that’s the positive dynamic pair. However, that is limited by the other dynamic pair which represents when the two of you but heads against each other, you eliminate your own potential, until no potential is left. ————–?———————is wonderfully positive and wonderfully negative, but when you’re trying to consider what you can do, it’s the combination of these two forces, one that creates the synthesis outside yourself at no cost and one that is nothing but cost and as you put the two together ultimately it creates this can scenario, what can you do well it is the amount that you can create by pushing against somebody minus the cost you have to pay in lost potential. So there is an equation here for Valentine to start working on, in terms of describing dynamic pair as being can, psychologically ——-?——-. If that is the case, then want, where would you find want, in terms of the companion pairs we would find want because you see, in a companion pair I lack something and this companion provides this as a by product, or I do not want something and this companion pair provides it that I don’t want. In other words companion pairs operate by having someone along on a particular course that does not directly intersect yours, but when you are near them you are to get positive or negative fall out. If you get the positive fall out, they will provide things that they emanate or that they just don’t want, that they leave in a way that are useful to you. I you are in a negative companion relationship, they keep dumping junk on you and you get stuck with it and you don’t really want it. So the question of want is, I want or I don’t want, that means you are attracted or repelled from this relationship because it gives you positive fall out or negative fall out. In other words, this is another way of assessing cost and dividends, you look at cost and dividends as being attached to that. I don’t know what attached to dynamic pairs out of our story terms, but certainly cost and dividends would be attached to the companion relationship.
Now we go on to the, we’ve done the can and we’ve done the want, now lets do the need. Need is when you go to dependent pairs and dependent pairs you need because either is a positive need, where if we are to do something that is outside of ourselves we can join forces to became greater than we are separately. This is different for dynamic relationships that creates synthesis because in synthesis you are directly opposed to the person that you are synthesizing with and from that, it sparks some sideways lateral motion, you but heads and because of that it creates sparks light a positive fire or light a candle as it were. In the negative dynamic relationship, you but heads to create sparks and burn yourself down.
When we go to the dependent relationship, that’s more like saying brain and braun, two come together and between them they act as a complimentary relationship and can more than either one could do separately. Then we go to the negative dependent relationship, where each one is nothing without the other, meaning as matter of context always, each one of these are contextualy examples that would turn it positive or that would turn it negative. So when we look at the dependent pairs, we’re going to say or actually I’d guess you’d have to say, the greatest view of context, the greatest focus of context would be occurring at the dependent relationship even though context effects them all. It is harder to see in dynamic pairs and companion ones, than it is to see in the dependent relationship were it seems more apparent, at least to me. Now this may be culturally bias or a female perspective bias or a personal bias, but it seems that is were context would go in any event. When we require each other or we are nothing, when for the task at hand or for our own happiness, we can not be happy unless the other person is with us, then we find ourselves in a negative dependent relationship, meaning that we are always at risk of becoming nothing because the other person may not always be there, that negative dependent relationship is always dealing with need, we have a negative need. Now the concept of negative need and positive need is one that is pretty foreign to us, our culture, but the positive need is when you say, “Oh look wouldn’t it be nice if I went to Yosemite, well I have money for gas and I have a friend who has a car who has no money. I will give this friend who has a car my money for gas, I’ll buy the gas, they’ll supply the car, the three of us will go off we’ll have a good time at Yosemite,” and that works.
Now the negative dependent relationship is when two people, or when a person feels they cannot live without the other one. In that case, it is like in a marriage, where I can not get by without you, or it’s more of a, it’s beyond a symbiotic relationship. A symbiotic relationship is one in which two friends help each other, but when you actually combine the two, so that without one the other can’t exist. Much like I guess where people breathe out carbon dioxide and trees breathe out oxygen with out both of them co-existing, than neither one can exist, they are required to both to be providing something to the other one, for the other one to continue or for the other one to be whole. In other words, some source of carbon dioxide needs to come out for trees to live, some source of oxygen needs to be out there for people to live. And if you look at it as an open system, where there is unlimited oxygen and unlimited carbon dioxide, then certainly that isn’t a problem and that is the way society traditionally looked at it, but when you begin to look at the close environment of the earth’s atmosphere, when you have people who many of them able to do things like destroy the plankton, or missurface the ocean with oil slicks, and chop down the rain forest, all of a sudden there is enough of an impact, that the relationship between people and plants, and this in terms of the oxygen – carbon dioxide relationship, becomes a dependent one. and that I think is what is happening in ecology, that they are missing the point, they are trying to say that this has always existed, we’ve always been dependent, we’ve always been interdependent in that sense co-dependent , that’s not really true. There were plenty and plenty of plants that ultimately we were dependent on them, but it never went the other way around were they dependent on us, they had enough carbon dioxide in the initial atmosphere of the young planet to be able to grow. The plants could do just fine but there was no oxygen, when they provided oxygen that was what was needed in order for human kind to come to exist. However, once human kind comes time to exist because of the continued evolution of the plant, they say that seeds ——?—-, kind of like that concept of plants arranging ———?——— and the reason for this, is that they eventually would have used up all of the free carbon dioxide and been in a –?– atmosphere of pure oxygen and they could not have existed. However, human kind came through so in a sense by creating the oxygen they –?– a new species, an animal species that could then create the other resource and that was essentially the dependent relationship. So they went from being completely independent until the resources ran out, to be co-dependent, and once they were co-dependent that means they could not exist without us and in truth because we were created out of that kind of made already closed system. Initially there was an abundant, over abundance of oxygen of us to breathe that as we began to expand ourselves just like the trees and the plants expanded, we began to use up that limited supply on the earth. At that point we need to reach an equilibrium between the two of us because anymore loss of plants begins to loose the oxygen we need to breath, we don’t want to tear down anymore plant life, we actually want to encourage and add a little more carbon dioxide to the system by our breathing, have them add a little more oxygen, we need to start the balance between the two. So that is why the negative dependent relationship is, and so negative dependent relationship describe need of one sort or another. If we want to so something –?– OK, than we will go on and we will say this is what I, how I can make a deal with somebody. Say I’ll give you this, if you give me that and together we can both get what we want. Sometimes it’s the same thing we both want and sometimes it’s different things, that is the nature of business. The negative dependent relationship is to say I cannot survive without what you have, so if you have something and it is just a simple one sided negative dependent relationship than somebody can charge any price they want because it doesn’t matter if they sell it or not, they don’t need the money. Therefore, they’re not in that position were they have to sell it and you have to by it and you strike a deal. –?– in terms of business, in terms of a dependent relationship, that is were shysters and hustlers work, that is where they put their effort in, is to find people who’s needs are so negatively dependent that they must pay any price for what you want, or they must sell at whatever price they are willing to pay because they need whatever money they can get. That is the nature of taking advantage of someone but for the moment let’s talk about a relationship were just it is equal on both sides, and both need what the other has or they will die. A simple –?– in
–?– and that is called a win-win scenario. Another win-win scenario is when you have a positive dependent relationship in which each contributes part of what is there needed on the outside to create something greater, like brain and braun, that is now dealing in the area as we said of need.
We come to the final kind of pairing, which is the pairing correspondent to should, the concept of should. Now what is should? Should has the tendency to make us feel these –?– judgments, is where our conscious gets us. Basically, if we do not fallow through on this particular path we will pay for it later or we will pay for it in other ways that are not directly related to not following that path, if we fallow a path we are not suppose too, it will create something that will come back to haunt us. The reason we can look at this is because when we look at the component relationship there are either four individuals in a quad that are not related to each other, or there is an umbrella over them that defines them as a group. When we get to male thinking , male thinking can go so far as to perceive that as being the elemental nature of things in the field in which they exist. In other words, when a left minded science, K-based science comes down and looks into the universe as deeply as it can, it says these distinct particles that make it up that have no relationship directly between each other and an overall field that connects across them, connects them, and that field then, that magical field defines them as somehow being related. So that when something happens to one, it correspondedly happens to another or perhaps the inverse happens to another. In other words, if you push this one positively, the other will move negatively. While in fact, that is how all of the pair relationship are created. When you push on a dynamic pair, the question is when you push one up does the other one go down, like a teeter-totter or a sew-saw. Or does it work so that if one goes up the other one goes up, like two sides of a platform for a window washer, when one goes up the other one goes up, when one goes down the other one goes down. Both work like when one goes up the other one could go up or down, it doesn’t matter, like two elevators side by side. All of those are the three kinds of relationships, the dynamic pair of relationship is when one goes up the other one goes down. The companion pair relationship is when one goes up the other one goes up, or when it goes down the other one goes down. And the dependent relationship is, gosh I can’t even figure that one out, so the analogy that I have of the elevators, seems more like the component relationship of the independently views. So there seems to be some missing areas there in the analogy, meaning that who ever is looking at this and reading it, can now supply those hopefully and use the elevator concept of when one goes up and down it doesn’t effect anything else, that’s the independent relationship of the component. But when you have the fact that they are all for moving people up and down, that’s kind of like the field, meaning that if one is going up because people at the top floor have determined that they need an elevator, then it is the people that are waiting at the bottom floor that are seeing that elevator go up that will perhaps call the other one up or down depending on it’s position, which would not have happened had the first one not gone up or down, because if the first one had come down then the people at bottom would wait for it. And so that kind of relationship I guess is describing the component relationship, then we end up with dependent relationship and I haven’t go an analogy for that one. So use those analogies as marked and we’ll all of us try to come up with a class project with the interns, an analogy for the dependent relationship, positive and negative. In any event, we –?– the component relationship and that is should because as we see, when an individual event happens as in the elevator example, what that means is that there is no direct impact from one elevator on the other. When you use one elevator it does not force the other one to go up or down directly, in fact it’s the calling of the people that are using the elevator that effect what happens on one and in response to what happens in the other. The people the become the field, they become the over view and when we look at our model, if we are looking at elements for example a being four little elevators, then if we look at the variations that’s on top of them, that becomes the field that connects them all. So when we’re dealing with should, which is if we do this thing, will it have an holistic impact that is positive or will it have a holistic impact that is negative. That is the question that we are asking ourselves, are we going to have to pay a price later? Or are we going to be able to say that it reflects back upon us from a field ultimately as being a positive thing? So we are either going to do well or not do well, but because it is impossible for us to accurately predict what it is going to be like in terms of response, we can only go by our experiences, our knowledge of the interconnections of things, the interconnectedness, which is not the some thing as field. That’s like saying, well ever time in the past at ten o’clock in the morning, whenever we saw this elevator go up this other one always came down because perhaps the night before the elevators were put in a resting position and in the morning certain conventions are going in and out, or people going to business or something and as a result of the patterns of the flow of people and business, you can anticipate that, that kind of impact you see, you don’t know why it happens, but you just know that at this time you always see this. When this, also that, the two always occur together. Then if one of the businesses goes out of the building it can upset the whole scheme, it can throw one event that you have anticipated out of –?– or throw all of them out of –?–or anything in-between.
That’s why it is always risky to deny something because we think it might have a negative impact, or risky to something because we think we can have a positive or get out of a negative impact, or we won’t be impacted by it. That comes down to the phrase that I have written before that says, never count on inertia, never depend on change, meaning don’t ever put all of your, hang all of your, I guess what it really means is, don’t ever become negatively dependent upon inertia or change because if you become negatively dependent on inertia or change, then if you assume things will always be the way they were, and you –?– on that, the rug can be pulled out from under your feet, when something completely unexpectedly happens out in left field, forces beyond your consideration which appear to be chaotic, they are only chaotic because you have not considered them. When you have the change don’t hang everything on the fact that things are going to change just because you see all the signs pointing to change, but every time you’ve seen these signs before change didn’t happen because there may be some extenuating circumstances that put a –?– on the whole thing and change –?–. So that’s an interesting concept that has now occurred, I’ve taken the concept of a dependent relationship and applied it to a component relationship. In other words, I’ve formed one of the initial steps of processing, which is to compare two kinds of pairs and from that has come essentially a proverbial phrase. I think we’ll probably find if we take a penny saved is a penny earned , and such things as that we’ll find that all of these proverbs, probably re simply one kind of pairing applied to another kind of pairing. Now this is important for Valentine and the work that he is doing, is that the pairing that we create by virtue of applying one pair to another, the relationship created has an impact that creates the synthesis. So in a sense, we’re saying by using a dependent pair and applying it to a component set of pairs, we end up creating a dynamic pair or a companion pair but not both. In other words, we’re going to stand on one of those and evaluate the others, we might be standing here on a, lets see we apply the dynamic pair of never count on inertia, never depend on change, we apply the dependent pair relationship that we have here to the component, now what do we get, we get a dynamic pair relationship out of that. So that means we are standing on a companion pair to view it and that is the way some of these equations are going to work conceptually on the –?– side, is that when we stand on one view point, one kind of pair, one kind of evaluation, to take another evaluation pull it against a third evaluation and synthesis a four evaluation, and that’s the way the system works subjectively. Objectively, we always say, that what you do is we look at this –?–, we look down like the game of twister with these big dots and we see four dots that describe a –?– and we say here’s dot one, two, three, four, initially somebody is standing on dot one, they have one view of two, three, and four. Then they jump to dot two and when they do, they now will get no more view of dot number two ——–?——-, they just have one view because now standing on it. But then they see dot number one, where they were standing for the first time so there is a single view of that. When they see a single view of that, then they are seeing a double view of dot three and four because they’ve seen that from one and also seen it from two and as a result they’ve created a parallax between their view of two and their view of four, each one has a parallax on it, so they get kind of a three dimensional triangulation. In a sense, that is saying first we look at in from space then we look at it from time, and as we jump from space to time then we end up seeing the views of these two things and we create a good knowledge of dot two, a good knowledge of dot four but we only have one view of one, and a good knowledge of three and a good knowledge of dot four because each had two views, we only have one view of one and one view of two because we were standing on each on alternately and only had one opportunity to view. Because of this, we then synthesis by blending those two views together and say let’s compare our one view of one to our one view of two and we will end up with looking at three things, we’ll look at four each with a double view then we’ll look at the synthesis of the single view of one and the single view of two. This is how we blend things together to make something like E = MC (squared), were it is really energy equals mass times the speed of light, constant squared , the speed of light constant is really space times time. Because our minds our setup that we jump between space and time and are thinking, the spatial sense and the temporal sense as a result of influence –?– or –?–, that the level of the ganglia that creates then a back and forth movement between space ant time were we jump from one to the other to evaluate mass and energy. And as such we blend space and time together, into something we call space time continuum, who are not really tied together except by virtue of our own observation, that’s why we see things sometimes as particles and sometimes as waves is that for different context, we will be looking from space or looking from time at viewing what we are doing. We can never look from them both at the same moment and depending on whether we are looking at something that is unchanging and we view it from space and from time, then we see it as a particle. If during the time we’ve left between the two perspectives the sensory input has altered, then we see it as being two different things and when we get a difference between the two we see it as a wave. So things that remain consistent during the scope of our observation, –?– the cycle of our observation appear to be particles and those things that are inconsistent during the cycle of our observation appear to be waves. All that is generated, there are no particles, there are no waves they’re only when we jump between space and time, the conclusion we come to through synthesizing the single view of space, the single view of time and seeing if things have changed or not, that determines whether it stays at a particle or wave.
So all of these interconnected concepts are really beginning to gel in terms of the equations that we can draw by applying one pair to another, that objected view as we look down gives us a great understanding but there is also subjective view which is what we want more for alter ego. Subjective view of jumping around and taking a look at things, when we jump around and take a look at things we simply see a three dimensional world, we don’t see that we are missing a part of a four dimensional world. We see three dimensions and one of them is going to be a continuum, like space time continuum, when we’re looking outside. When we are looking inside, we create a different kind of appreciation internally, in so far as, as we write these equations and applying one kind of pairing to another kind of pairing, we don’t consider the one we are standing on at all. In other words, from an internal perspective a more valid analogy would be to say, that we stand on one of the four points and see the other three, we don’t see ourselves as jumping around. This is the old relativistic argument, that whether you are sitting on the train or whether you are standing at the station watching the train go by, it’s –?– observers –?–. If you are looking at something from the outside, you can see the person jumping back and fourth, you can see them moving from place to place and arriving to a conclusion. They themselves appear to be standing still because from the inside all they see is that they are looking at three different things and they don’t realize that they are standing on another one, but even if they do, they only see themselves as standing on this, this is what I am evaluating by. In other words, of the four character considerations with motivations, methodology, purposes, and evaluations, you can only see three of them at one time, only three of them will be visible at one time, only three of them will be visible and the fourth one will not be visible. You can only consider three at a time, if you try to think about your motivation, methodology, and purpose, you can grasp that but trying to think about your evaluations at the same time, you can’t because you’re are using your evaluations to consider those. When you’re looking at how you evaluate things and the methodology that you use and your purposes and your questioning those, you’re questioning those from the stand point of your motivation, how motivated am I in terms of, to evaluate, how motivated am I to use this method, how motivated am I to achieve that purpose, you don’t see the motivations at the same time, they are what you are using as your standard of measurement. So evaluation itself is not the only standard of measurement, that’s the standard by which you see how the other three work together but when you see how you feel about it, then anyone of the points is what you are evaluating from and you can even evaluate your evaluations. You can have your evaluations evaluated from three different perspectives, from purpose, from motivation, and from methodology, each of those will be looking at evaluation as a part of the set, only when you are standing on your evaluation do you not see them. So this creates two different patterns that can be seen within a quad, one of the patterns is the splayed out vision that we talked about before, where you take K for example and have a dynamic pair that goes from upper left to lower right, a companion pair that goes from upper left to upper right, and a dependent pair that goes from upper left to lower left, those three kinds of pairs splay out and that’s an open system. Then you have the view from the inside, when you are standing at one place looking at looking at three things, you stand on K and as you stand on K you look over and see the dynamic pair that goes from the upper right to the lower left, the dependent pair that goes from the upper right to the lower right and the companion pair that goes from the lower left to the lower right, now the difference is when you look at it from that way, there is no common emanating point, it creates a triangle and because it creates a triangle, there isn’t one single place from which all three things come out. Each one of those corners that we are dealing with has two vectors that come out of it, when we are dealing with the view of K splaying out in three directions that is the objective view from the outside view of looking at things, looking at things externally and when we do we see them splaying out. That splaying out position, that goes out one direction, out the other direction and out in another direction, that creates the essential pattern of were men are coming from, that leads to induction and it leads deduction because it either draws it all into a point in deduction or takes a point and it arranges it in all possible directions which is induction. However, when you’re dealing from the female perspective that’s the intrinsic one, when you’re looking at it from the inside subjectively and you see a triangle, a closed system, a wholism in which there isn’t any particular point that is more important than any other, it’s the way the whole shebang hangs together. That view is the emotional view and the rational view, logical view is the splayed out view. The relationship between the two is a relationship between space and time, the spatial view is the one dealing with the K, the temporal view is the one dealing with the triangle. The splayed, the spatial, and the triangle and the temporal, and as a result of it the spatial view forms a –?– linearity, the linearity that is created by male thinking is to take the subjective view of seeing all these things connected to a point and then find the best way to get from one point to another. If you go from the K over to the A and then back to the K and then over to the P and then back to the K and then over to the D, you have to make six trips totally because you’re going up three lines in both directions,. and that forms a from of linearity always touching back to the same basic point. Another type of logic that men use, which is the third of the fourth steps that they can get, is to take one short cut, the short cut they can take is to go from K over to A and since they’ve already seen K they assume it hasn’t changed, so they go from K to A and the go from A to down to P and then over to D, which forms a linearity ,and that linear form of logic which is different than induction or deduction then touching all those points assuming that K has not changed since you left. The danger of course is, that if something has happened to K than you are not going to see it happen while you make this journey, but since men are dealing with them spatially, they deal with looking at things in the particle nature and therefore it is there assumption from that bias that K will not change during the duration from your jumping from point, to point, to point, that is why they believe linear logical is true, that only holds true depending on the duration it takes to make that journey and the longer it takes to get around that circle, the more dangers they run into because the more opportunity for chaos to strike and K to change.
I’ve done the male model for moving around and creating a linear logic out of a splayed view. However, I haven’t worked out the one for the female model yet, which is not surprising because that’s my own operating system and as a result of it, I cannot see it clearly because that’s exactly were I live. So perhaps another job for Valentine, is to take the concepts that have been developed in terms of the logic, or the representation, or the analogy of how male problem solving works and turn around and apply that to the triangular shaped appreciation of the female perspective from the internal view. because again that is going to be something that is highly important to the alter ego program, that is understanding how that view develops from the just as the male view develops into the linear logical display position. Where do we go from starting at a holistic triangular view from the female position, how do we turn that into something? What is it that we turn it into? That ruins the risk of inaccuracy, again it’s too close to home, so I can’t see it.
Anyway that’s it for today, at least for now, and well I’ll play out some more later.
A little later the same day, a few minutes later. There is a concept that when you get married, you become one, the couple is no longer a couple they are one. What that is looking at is the dependency, and essentially saying, that no longer are you independent, you are now co-dependent and as a result of becoming co-dependent you have become one. Neither one exists without the other, each exists in the other. The problem with that is that if one of them leaves or the other one dies, the one that is remaining is now nothing. In other words, you’ve given up the opportunity to be a unique individual, self-sustaining individual because now you have said that I am now dependent on this person to define my existence. And if the relationship breaks then the person left can no longer define themselves as anything, they have become nothing. So they have given up their oneness for a greater oneness of which they are only a part, now that greater oneness falls apart they are left being nothing because they are not self-sustaining in and of themselves. This particular understanding has got to be pretty good if you can apply it to broken relationships and the alter ego program.
And speaking of relationships there is the concept of when you are trying to meet somebody new, as I am going through right now, do you do something like sign up on a computer bulletin board? Or go off to a place where singles gather and try and meet somebody? In that case, what you’re really looking for, forget the dynamic relationship that is out of the question because you’re not looking for butting heads with anybody. In fact, what you’re looking for is a dependent relationship because your going to a place where you are trying to find someone who is needy, essentially either they need you to accomplish something else, like women might go to great expectations to look for a doctor or a lawyer so that they would have secure future. Men might go to that same place looking for someone to provide them with emotional meaning in their lives. And so each one is trying to provide some sense of the other, but in a dependent relationship were they are hoping it’s not a work relationship. A work relationship would be were you are hiring somebody from a newspaper ad and saying anybody wants to come to work for us, should come to work for us and come out and apply, and if this person has appropriate skills that we can use we’ll hire them, but it has nothing to do with whether that person is going to be emotionally compatible with the company, that is usually ignored. One of the things that I always do when I’m hiring is, I first look at the emotional compatibility and if that matches, I would rather have someone trained in the skills and start with the emotional capacity, then have somebody that already has the skills but can not change there emotions. Because in our society, emotions the way you feel about things are very hard to change predictably because of our cultural biases. However, getting back to the dating scene, if you go into a bar, if go to a computer bulletin board, if you go to a singles group, if you go to a dating service, your actually primarily looking for someone to become dependent with, either emotionally dependent or logistically dependent and the logistic side is business oriented, or like with women trying to feather their nest and for men in general are looking for the emotional support or it’s the personal level. Those kinds of things then presuppose that if these two people come together and they depend on each other, they will grown to love each other in time, by finding common interest, developing new common interest, discovering new things that they both like to do, things in which when one does one thing there is –?– to fall on to the other, so they will become companions over time. But first they find love, well that’s what they said in Shannon –?–, it’s a war movie with Jimmy Stuart, as he said when a young man came to ask for his daughter’s hand, “when I married her mother I didn’t love her, I liked her but I didn’t love her. However one morning after twenty years, I woke up and realized I loved her.” Now that’s just the reverse of the way we’ve gotten in our society, where we say let’s love somebody first, love is so all important that we want to love them, then we will learn to be similar. Which is what’s actually alluding to the incredible divorce rate that we have and the break up of couples, and the fact that marriage is no longer really an institution. It’s not so much that society it’s self has changed, in terms of what it’s demands are upon us, but our societal perspective has changed to say that love is so fulfilling that it should be the initial bases for getting involved with someone and then find out if you have any compatibility. Well obviously compatibility’s that existed before a marriage, more than likely came from some intrinsic in the people that were involved, so if you have certain interest of your own before you get into a relationship they probably won’t go away because you quote un quote “all consuming”. In fact they will begin to grate on the other person, if you don’t like to go to bed at the same time, if you don’t like to listen to the same music, if you don’t enjoy the same comedians, if you don’t like to keep the house at a similar degree of cleanliness, all those things will grate because there is no compatibility but by God you found love, and yet after awhile, love is not enough. And then you end up with incredible pain because you have to disassociate yourself from what in a long time goes from being a positive dependent relationship, where you create something were you both work together and have a working relationship within your home to a relationship in which you really care about the other person and because you define yourself in terms of them and without them you can’t understand who you are, and then you have to break that or suffer the fact that you are really incompatible at the companion level. A much better way to go about that is to first approach the compatibility and say let me become involved in the Sierra Club and an outdoorsy person, then meet somebody else who is outdoorsy, let me become involved in doing charitable work because I’m into charity and I’ll meet somebody else who has that kind of heart. So you look for areas in which you are companions, positive companions relationships and then you go and try to form a dependency that is a positive one. If that is the nature, you can be true to yourself by still enjoying your interest and also finding that you are interested in what the other person is interested in, and from that you begin to grow together until you merger interests into one overall interest because as a matter of degree. As we talk about the stories concerned and we see the difference between concern and goal is, when you talk about goal everybody that is their focus, this is the goal everybody concerned with the goal is saying that this is the most important thing out of all of their concerns; but when you are talking about the concern you are saying that this is something that we all share in common. When you are looking at a relationship in terms of companion pairs, you are going to want to say is this something that is paramount to both of us, or is this something that I have an interest in that’s a minor interest but there’s is highly focused on that and that is not a problem unless their focus becomes so all consuming, in other words, they are so single purpose oriented that their interest takes over their entire life and they have no other interest. Then unless you show that interest as being the primary one that you are interested in, you run into trouble and that is the nature of saying that the positive dependent relationship is when you are actually sharing the exact same interest as being the primary focus of your lives as couples who come together, who are a preaching team husband and wife, or they are both archeologist or something, they focus themselves on a positive dependent relationship with a single interest. On the other hand, unless the degree of concern is nearly equal and one becomes all consuming in that concern then the other person feels all left out, like when the sea captain goes off to sea, the football widow and so on. A wife may be mildly interested in football compared to her husband who is infatic about it, of course the reverse could be true but not as often in this culture. Still under those conditions it is the degree of interest, not the fact that there is an interest. The negative companion relationships are when there is a differing interest, where what is positive to one person is actually negative to the other one in terms of companion relationships. Now the real question arises is it negative because they actually are repelled by it, or the other kind of negativity where it’s that I don’t like your interest because even though I like that, I don’t like that much of it and it takes away attention and resources from where I would like them spent. If you look at these four different ways of dealing with, first the positive and negative dependent relationships or the companion relationships, in terms of when somebody is focused verses when somebody has something in a more compatible level, when you both share a focus verses when one has a focus and the other does not and whether that is seen as positive or negative depending on whether there is positive or negative fall out because there is a negative interest or a positive interest. Couples never hang together if somebody’s interest becomes all consuming, all focused in a particular object and the other person finds that to be a negative, in other words, they are repelled by the same thing. You don’t have anything to talk about, you don’t have anything to communicate because what interest one person is absolutely bores to tears the other person. If the other person shares a minor interest in it, then that minor interest tends to save things for awhile and the more the interest levels match not just what you’re interested in but how interested you are in it, when those things match then you have great compatibility. And so these test that are just asking about are you interested in this, that, and the other, that’s not good, when they start saying how important to you is this that’s better. But the real question for getting together should be, do not try to go out and randomly form a dependent relationship, instead form a companion relationship that is a positive relationship in which your interest are of similar intensities, in similar areas and then you will find a lot to talk about and to do together and to enjoy each other company. Because when you are motivated through your own energy to go out and get a new book on the subject, the other person is thrilled because as soon as you’re finished with it they’ll want to read it. If you’re motivated to decide to buy a new piece of equipment around the house, like a new television set or something, and the other person is really into watching television on go quality equipment, then they will benefit by virtue of something you’ve been wanting to do. There motivations do look for you to provide you with pleasure that you didn’t have to go out and get, and your motivations drive you to do things that you enjoy doing or you enjoy enough or are motivated enough to go out and do that will then bring benefit to the other person, so rather then saying let me see what do they like, they like this I will go out and make an effort to get this thing that they like that I don’t particularly like. If you are cooking a meal that you could both enjoy eating it a lot, you would make it for yourself, if they weren’t enjoying it because you were enjoying it and yet you make that meal for the two of you because they enjoy it as well, there is much more fulfillment there for you because you put the effort into it and you would put it in just for yourself and then when there is also their –?– there it even adds to the pleasure of enjoying the meal and making it, and for them they get a meal made that they like to enjoy, that they get to enjoy and they don’t have to put that effort in to do it. Another thing that happens is when somebody enjoys something and not enough to put in the motivation to go out and do it themselves, that if the person that they are married with enjoys it enough for them to put the effort into and do it then the other person gets to partake without having to actually put in the effort. And so since there is no catalyst there to help them over come the entropy of not wanting to do it because the cost are to great for them compared to the benefits, but they really like the benefits. Then in that case, then the other person perhaps finds that the cost are pleasurable and aren’t cost at all and are dividends, then that person enjoys the dividends of doing the item, gets it accomplished and once it’s accomplished the other person shares the benefits without having to pay the cost. This kind of relationship is a very good one. But when you get into a should relationships in terms of components you begin thinking about the fact that, well if I do this thing that has cost associated to me by paying that price, it’s worth it because even though I wouldn’t pay that price to get this item because it’s not of big enough interest to me to warrant those cost. The pleasure that the other person has at getting it, will be such that it will make me happier to see them happy, and therefore I will quote un quote “sacrifice” and put in these cost that are really not called for just on the bases of my own interest. That sort of thing once and awhile will not really be detrimental but the more of it one does the more one finds themselves paying cost to make somebody else happy, and then you get into some very serious situations under which a relationship, if you find yourself co-dependent and that you require them for identifying yourself you cant break out of it even though you are now trapped into a routine of adding more and more cost to your life or sustaining cost. And if you try to limit those cost and say I’m not going to this anymore, the other person comes to expect it as part of their dependency upon you and as such they feel that you are taking something away from them by no longer continuing to pay a cost to make them happy.
So all of these intertwining relationships are going on, this only accounts for the relationships in our discussion today that were both people are looking at the relationship as being a companion relationship, or a dynamic relationship, or a dependent relationship. But it is quite clear that one person could see the relationship as a positive dynamic, while the other person sees it as a negative, and so that you actually have one person viewing it as a positive aspect of their life and the other person sees it as negative. That is when you get people who are hangers on, they come to you because they not in dynamic pairs but in companion pairs because they like the fall out that you are creating, but they create negative fall out for you and so the impact of one person on the other is not the same in the reverse. On person creates a positive fall out for the second person, the second person creates negative fall out for the first, and as a result you end up with a relationships that cant exist but somebody is hounded by somebody else. Then there’s even the more complex kind of relationship, where one sees it as companion and one sees it as dependent. For example, the big brother trying to take his girl out on a date and the little brother that wants to tag along. The little brother sees them as companions and the big brother sees the little brother as being dependent. And as a result of that the concept of get a life comes from that, without me you are nothing, get a life of your own, I don’t want to provide that rule for you. The other person says I have a life, it’s just I like being near you, okay they’re seeing it as companion. Well if you actually look at the quad and you map a dependent relationship, and you map a companion relationship, no matter which way you map it, you create two sides of the square. And the one thing that will connect that is the vector that goes from one open end to the other open end and creates the triangle, or that completes the pattern by going form the same nexus point and splaying out, either way you create a dynamic. The dynamic that you create out of that is going to be positive or negative and essentially you have a relationship that has it’s internal logistics between the people, described by the vector that connects the two rays that they say the relationship. If they both see the relationship as a positive companion one, then the relationship that exists between them is a positive companion relationship. If they both see it as a negative companion, then the vector that connects the two goes along the exactly same line and its a negative companion relationship. However, if you see it as different kinds of relationships, where as one sees it as dependent and one sees it as companion, then you end up creating a dynamic relationship between the two of them which could be positive or negative. If you have one see it as a positive dependent relationship and one as a positive companion relationship, you end up with a positive dynamic relationship. If you have a negative companion relationship coupled with a negative dependent relationship that turns into a positive dynamic relationship. That is why two wrongs can make a right in a sense, the relationship between the people can be positive, even though each one sees it as negative. Similarly if you have one see it as positive and one see it as negative it does not matter which is which, the result will be negative. This can easily be plotted on a trigametric function just looking at which quadrants are seen as positive or negative. And when we talk about the relationship between relationship, the analogy that the dynamic and companion and dependent pairs all represent the trigametric functions what there being, sine, cosine, tangent, cotangent, secant and cosecant. And that would be that sine, cosine would be the dynamic pair, positive and negative one direction and the other direction and tangent, cotangent would be companion pair relationship; and the dependent would be the secant, cosecant and we have this other one that we need two new trigametric functions to create quadranomictry to describe where something is holistically connected in that field verses relativisticly connected verses completely independent as a definable unit. Those functions also have quadrants in which the appear to be positive or negative and those relationships of positive or negative quadrants actually are going to be what determine the kind of relationship created between positive or negative just as if you have in the first quadrant in trigonometry, the sign is going to be positive and in the second quadrant it is going to be negative, so you end up with changing the polarity of the signal depending on the quadrant in which it is found. So these kind of vector relationships or matrix can be directly translated to trigonometry partly by function and partly by the polarity of the sign in the quadrant in which they occur. So with that thought for now, for valinteen to consider as well is, how to describe, how to translate the relationships that we see or in at least the first three, the dynamic, dependent and companion? And talk about the relationships that are created by vectors, so that if one sees it as a positive and the other sees it as a negative, it is always going to be as a negative relationship, but if they both see it as a negative or if both see it as positive, it is going to be a positive relationship. Which shows why two people that are constantly bickering at each others back, bickering at each other and stabbing each other in the back all the time can stay together for twenty years arguing, is because they both see a relationship as negative which creates a positive relationship between them, from an objective stand point, fills in that last leg of the connecting vector from the first two that are created as their independent appraisals.
One last thought that has occurred to me, before I can let this go and get on with my day. The thought is that we should not forget that we’ve been looking at relationships here as if they were fixed quantities. In other words, that someone sees it this way, someone else sees it as that way and between them they create this particular kind of relationship. That is actually looking at a frozen moment in time and saying in any given moment you can say, if somebody sees it as positive or negative which of course we have a matter of degree and that degree may depend on how wide spread the evaluation is. For example, it may be that there are five, or ten, or twenty major areas in a relationship that are of concern to somebody at a given moment, how many of them are on the positive side and how strongly? How many are on the negative side and how strongly? When they group them all together and look at the relationship, then they day is this positive or negative and that would be were you would judge them at that moment. And if you have two positive appraisals, it would be positive; two negative appraisals it would be positive in a relationship and so on. However, when you look at it rather than being particulate, you look at it at the wave form, you can see that these evaluations in the relationship changes over time and they change in a couple of different ways. One of them is that they change from going from positive to negative in terms of polarity, as someone becomes more attentive, perhaps someone had obligations of the job that were beyond their ability to walk away from, they have to spend a lot of time there, those are over they come home, they spend more time there, it turns out positive because they do more positive things when they are there. When they are away they do fewer positive things, and so the negative things that they do that are consistent take the reign and it goes negative. Therefore, someone’s appraisal of the relationship can –?– between the positive and the negative over time and that can either be a repeating pattern or not a repeating pattern. That can be something appears completely chaotic because it is outside the scope of predictability, or it can be something that has to do with seasonal changes, it can be something to do with a sporting event, it could be something to do with pay periods, with PMS. A lot of the things of that nature can cause these wave forms, some of them regular, some of them irregular and new ones can be added, new instances can be added and taken away at all times. However, that’s even looking at it in terms of what kind of relationship you would see it as. Are you evaluating it in terms of being a companion relationship or a dynamic relationship, as saying this is what you define it as. In fact, the wave form way would be to look at them as drifting from one kind of relationship to another, this couple between them has a dependent relationship, now it’s edging over and finally it moves out of there and into a dynamic relationship. So things could be moving between positive and negative at the same time that there a moving from being identifying as being primarily one kind of relationship, to primarily another kind, acting as kind of a subcarrier and signal imposed upon it, depending on which is the longer wave and which is the shorter. And as you create these, the differences instead of just like the subcarriers it’s like moving ninety degrees to it because one of the evaluations is, is it going positive and negative, up and down, and the other one is, is it am or PM, by moving from one kind of relationship to another. In fact, from the holistic relativisitc sense all of these relationships exist among all people at all times. So if you take any two people at each one is going to be evaluating in terms of how compatible are in companionships, how dependent am I upon this person, is that positive or negative, how often are we butting heads over things, does that have a good result, does something good come out of it or do we only tear each other down? They are going to be making these evaluations, they ultimately going to evaluate the final one, saying am I really in a relationship with this person or do we have no relationship at all. Those will be the considerations, how often those considerations occur is looking at it particularly, looking at it in wave form is how often those considerations reach a cycle at which they rise to conscious consideration. These evaluations should be made throughout the levels of the mind at all times, but they only peak into our consciousness when there is enough to drive them up there. So depending on the number of evaluations that may have a positive or negative value to them at any given moments. It creates these complex patterns of waves in which the combined syntheses of several wave forms can lead to a negative appraisal, when one is looking at things from a particular point of view at a particular time and a moment later it can be made completely positive. I found out myself, when I has somebody that I absolutely hated that I was working with about three years ago, who was an absolute jerk and then at one time someone called on the phone. This guy never did favors for anybody and always wanted to get something, just did something for the guy because he liked him and out of the goodness of his heart he wanted to help him. And for that one brief moment suddenly I loved this guy and I thought he was the most wonderful person in the world, until he opened his mouth again and went right back to the old system. So that you can have these big binary changes that can occur because something can effect so many of these wave forms because they share a common impact, or are commonly impacted by a single event or process that it occurs, that it can turn them all around and make them all show positive or all show negative for a moment. And unless that is sustained however then it will continue in the pattern that it was at and even if it is sustained you’re talking about bringing a bunch of waves that have cycles up to a peak at which two people who would normally never give each other the time of day, end up making love for a moment. There was an episode of MASH in which that happened where Hulahan and Hawkeye were trapped out in this place under enemy fire and they made love that night, and then as soon as they were rescued from that context then everything went back down to it’s usual sparing. But there was still something left, the residual because the wave forms between them had been slightly altered by the relationship and even though they still were not compatible at least they had a better understanding of where each others hearts was and little more respect came out of it. These are the kinds of things that happens when you have these complex wave forms undulating, peaking for but a moment and then the bottom falls out and slowly erodes, falls out all at once depending on how quickly it goes compared to the baseline of your measurement. That’s going to determine whether it seems to be a binary switch, flipping from one thing to another or whether it seems to be a gradual erosion or build up in intensity.
A couple of quick proverbs for alter ego.
Before you can be one with another, you must be one with yourself. Or if you get it really confusing, before one can be one with another, one must become one with oneself,
that’s attributed to Melanie Phillips.
Then there’s I’m waiting for someone to have it, attributed to Melanie Phillips.
And attributed to my son Keith, I’ve got to find something to take my mind off these distractions.